Published by Ryan at August 26th, 2009
Sometimes I think this cycle never ends
We slide from top to bottom then we turn and climb again
And it seems by the the time that I’ve figured what it’s worth
The squeaking of the steel against our skin has gotten worse
- Death Cab For Cutie
So, a lot of you probably will be frustrated with me, but I have to report the truth, regardless. So, Sam and I have been doing OK. We still have not been dating for almost five weeks now, since the last break-up, when he told me that we couldn’t be together until I could prove that I was truly happy with myself.
Friday, I went over to Sam’s house. I was super psyched to see him, because I hadn’t seen him since the Sunday before. Things were looking all right, and we lay in his bed. We were home alone, and we started kissing, and it felt very nice. He wanted to have sex (because we haven’t had sex since…sometime in mid-July) and actually I did, too, but we didn’t have a condom. And that is something I refuse to do. I’m not lowering my inhibitions just because I love him. Then, when I said, “Besides, this is just a hook-up,” that is when the fighting started. I was intent on ending it; I had been thinking about it for awhile.
I told him “Ya know, what am I supposed to think?” We were arguing and I told him I was done, and said a lot of the usual things that I couldn’t deal with. I was like, “You don’t even care about me,” and he says, “So glad you love to listen to what other people tell you.” I told him: “Don’t ever fucking talk to me again. Just leave me alone.” He immediately grabbed my arm–not in an abusive demeanor, more so a please-don’t-let-that-be-the-last-thing-you-say-to-me–and I repeated myself. He looked stung, and let go of me. I walked down his stairs, and he said goodbye, and I just walked out. He called me once I got home, and of course he convinced me to not give up on him.
So him and I had a talk last night, for two hours, in my car. It ended well. I kissed him goodnight, and I haven’t talked to him since. He says that we “need to give this time. It’d be better to wait and take it slow and it work out, than for us to rush it again and screw it up.” I’m scared that maybe love is supposed to be this hard at times. He says he needs time to feel comfortable showing his emotions; right now he said it’s “virtually” impossible. He also doesn’t seem to have any plan to come out, and he also has had his cell phone disconnected since July 12th or so. So I have to wait around for him.
It’s hard to not think about him at school. I read a page of a textbook, reading about Wilhelm Wundt, and I realize I just saw “SAM SAM SAM SAM” written across the whole page. I’m trying to stay light-hearted. Be hopeful and positive, but also be cynical. Expect the worst, pray for the best. One reason I can’t let go is because I saw a shooting star the other night–my first one. And it only took ten minutes. I was so intent on seeing it. I wished for Sam to fall in love with me, and for us to actually work out. For him to show me that he cares.
I’ve been at Starbucks for like four hours. I did some homework. I’ve been talking with my older friends Cami (sex therapist) and Sara (therapist). They are great listeners, and we all talk about our boy issues. Plus they totally understand, and support me. It’s nice to know. I’ll keep you posted. Sorry if I let anyone down.
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Published by Ryan at August 15th, 2009
What I mean is, all I need is just a little emotion
‘Cuz all I see is you not feeling, and you’re giving me nothing
So, it is 9 a.m. on Saturday morning. I’ve been up for about a half hour or so. Thursday night I only slept from one-five am, and I never went asleep again until 1 am last night. I have hardly been eating, but I’m trying to start. Times like these make me physically sick; I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, sometimes it feels as if I can’t even breathe. So, until last night, I hadn’t communicated with Sam since Wednesday night, when he said some pretty shitty things to me. Told me to give up because he can’t deal with my emotions. It makes him uncomfortable. I thought about it, and, you know, if he didn’t drown in his emotions in liqueur and cloud them in marijuana smoke, then maybe he would know what it’s like to feel the pain that I feel.
After he signed off, like an asshole, I deleted him from Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, cleared all of my texts and calls from my phone, even went on my Calendar and Notes applications on my iPod touch, and deleted anything he ever put on there (e.g. “1 month, I love you baby!!”, “I hate you. Haha jk, I love you baby!”) I had to sever all ties with him. But, the most tantalizing of things is that when he stayed the night Monday, he left his Facebook logged on in Safari, on my iPod. His first status was “can’t sleep,” which made me feel a little better, because he only can’t sleep when we have some problem. But, then, his one from yesterday pissed me off! “Working 5-9 at the KC. Hopefully havin some fun after.” The K of C is one of our fairs here. I didn’t wanna go, but couldn’t even if I did, because I’m friggin’ grounded.
When I was in North Carolina, another time he broke up with me, we were chatting on MSN. I forgot all about it until the other day, so of course I left it on, in hopes that he would log on. Well, he did last night. And he said, “you there?” I didn’t respond, so he even sent me a text saying, “talk to me on MSN. this is sam.” I relented. He didn’t even say anything, besides casual shit; telling me that he was getting drunk that night. Oh, that’s awesome, I’ve been practically dying the past few days, and you’re just fine, and while I cry myself to sleep, you’re gonna be getting inebriated off your ass. Sounds like a real great guy, huh?
He told me that I was being ridiculous and that I was “blowin’ shit out of context.” Is he fucking serious? These are my feelings, which he has never shown any regards to. He doesn’t give a fuck about me. I’m just a fucking game to the manipulative bastard. So, anyway, I said a bunch of shit to him on MSN, from my Touch, whilst lying in bed around 1 last night, like “I can’t believe I wasted a whole summer on you. I give up. Everyone was right about you.”
I don’t have his house number, his cellphone is turned off, and I can’t contact him anymore online, by any means. Which is a good thing. I said, “why did you even talk to me again? You’re just making this harder.” So, he acted like the baby he is and said, “fine whatever bye.” He always uses the fact that he is nineteen against me; hello, act like it, you fucking jerk! So, I was really upset last night, and I cried myself to sleep.
This morning when I was going to have my cigarette, I realized I have only one more thing to do to rid him from my memory, one thing I’ve been holding onto. (I reluctantly logged out of his Facebook this morning. I don’t care to see about how he’s not hurting at all.) I have a birthday card he gave me, the only sweet thing he did for me over the whole summer. I couldn’t do it; I wanted to burn it. But it was such a bittersweet feeling, and I tried not to cry, so I just slipped it inside of a book on my bookshelf, one that I won’t read.
It sucks, to be in love with Sam when he doesn’t give a fuck about me. He tried to threaten me, when I told him I couldn’t be friends with him. He goes, “Fine then we’ll never get back together.” That hurt a lot. But I don’t wanna get back with an asshole like him! He is the poison that I refuse to keep drinking. He just used and manipulated me, and I’m sick of it. School is starting this Wednesday, and I hope this is over, before it causes any more heartbreak and pain than it already has.
At least now I know he’s not the right guy, and I am giving up. The right guy would drive over at night, after we fought, say sorry. The right guy would’ve called me last night. He doesn’t even try to fight for me. I’m not worth it to him. Fuck him, seriously. He won’t even have to move on, he’ll just fuck someone right away. It’s gonna hurt, because he won’t even try to make me be in love with him again, but whatever.
Moving on begins today.
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