Moving On

I don’t know what I want
But I know in my heart it’s not you

- “I Caught Myself” by Paramore

So, I decided that it’s probably best that I don’t explain my situation.  I’m going to blog about other parts of my life, and I will return with the final story once I’m in a better state of mind.  I’m hurting, but I know that this is all for the best, and that I deserve so much more.

I went camping for a convention this past weekend, and it was a lot of fun.  The dance was really fun and I saw an old friend, Caroline.  I also met a cute guy, who had knocked up this girl that was there.  At least they think it was him who did the knocking.  I found out a lot about myself.  I’m sick of reacting because of my fear, anxiety, loneliness, anger, rage, depression.  Just because I feel so intensely doesn’t mean I need to do anything about it.  Sometimes doing nothing is better than doing what you (think) you really wanna do.

School is busy, and I’m exhausted.  This will also get better in time.  I should’ve dressed up for spirit week.  Wednesday was Toga Day for seniors.  And everyone looked awesome.  I regret not doing it.  And today was celebrity day.  I was graced with the presence of Ron Burgundy, Paris Hilton (and Tinkerbell), Pocahontas, Peter Pan and Wendy, Catwoman, Chuck Bass (my little brother), Lady Gaga, The White Ranger, and many more.  It’s a shame I didn’t join in on the fun.

Tomorrow is our homecoming game, and Saturday is the dance.  I’m not going to either.  I have to work Saturday and Sunday and I wouldn’t go anyway.  I do want to go to prom, though.  That’s something I shouldn’t miss.  Anyway, I’ve been super busy with school and work and my recovery, and I’m sorry about the lack of updates.  Hopefully I can make a comeback soon.  But yes, I’ve started the moving on process.  I’m just done caring.  I’ve done enough weeping and moping to last a lifetime.  I’m glad to know that I no longer have to waste time.

Thank God for freedom; even if it hurts.

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I Like What You Say

Emergency above, put on your hard hats and invisible gloves
What’s going on?  I was on the wagon, I thought I was done.
You have to watch out, when one falls in the other can’t get out

- Nada Surf

Wow, so I have been so busy, it’s gonna be hard to concise everything.  School has been going well.  I’m in AP Lang, AP Psych, Sociology, FST (Functions, Statistics, Trigonometry), AP Spanish 4, and I’m on the school paper.  Senior year is going well.  I got a 100% on my AP Lang essay!  I wrote it like three times!  I love that class because I can use all of the words I like without sounding pretentious.

Anyhow, of course, the Sam drama has been pretty crazy.  I’ll try and shorten it; Tuesday he picked me up to go to Fall Creek (a hiking/recreation ground) and I didn’t know his friend Cella was with him.  I rode in the back and was pretty silent.  I was acting really bitchy and wasn’t speaking when we were walking down to the creek.  They took pictures and he was trying to be nice–he wanted me in the pictures, actually–and jokingly said he would throw me in.  I stood there.  Then I stepped on a snake and we freaked and went back to the car.  I told him suddenly, not looking at him, “I don’t wanna see you anymore, Sam.”  He asked why.  I was rather livid and said, “Hm.  Maybe because you didn’t say ‘thank you’ when I paid $12 for the movie food, nor did you say anything when I got all dressed up.”  He goes, “Uhhhh, first off, no one said you had to pay for anything.  That was your decision.”  Seriously?  So, I said, “Yeah, but it’s called fucking manners.  Did your parents not fucking teach you them?”  I repeated that I didn’t wanna see him or talk to him anymore, that I wanted him out of my life forever.  He yelled, “Good!  I don’t care anymore.”

So we rode the rest of the ten minutes back to my house with Kings Of Leon blaring.  I got out of his car and he drove off.  I was devastated from there on.  I was crying at school a bit.  I didn’t like what I had done, but I felt in my heart that it was for the best.  I was sick of trying to control the whole situation; I was ready to let go, no matter how much it hurt.  Finally, last night, Thursday night, he texted me, asking if he could bring something over.  I relented and said yes.  He came over an hour and a half later with his little puppy Honey.  Who is adorable, btw.

Anyway, I told him I was done lying to myself, and I asked why he was even there.  What did he really want?  I was done.  I had given up.  Too tired of pretending it was something more, something real, and I felt like I was the only one with feelings.  He told me about how he got like 8 hours of sleep in the past two nights; he usually gets like 12 hours per night.  And the only time he can’t sleep is when we are fighting.

He gave me a letter he wrote, but told me to wait to open it.  We talked and made up.  We kissed innocuously, and it made me melt.  I kissed him goodnight and headed inside, at one thirty a.m. on a school night.  P.S. I stayed home all day today and slept.  I won’t recount the entire letter, because Sam might be reading this (Hi, Sam!) but it was pretty amazing.  He has never said some of the things he said in this letter.  He told me all of the things he loves about me, he told me he wanted me next to him again, that he missed me so much, that he loves me and is truly sorry for everything.  He says he is finished smoking pot, and he is putting that on his nephew’s grave.  He told me he is done hiding me from his family.  He wants them to know me, and he wants them to see how happy he is with me.  He’s never proposed anything like this, so it’s a huge deal.  He even said he’s gonna tell his older brother, who will be pissed, but will come around eventually.  He wants me to meet his parents and his sisters.  He wants me to be a part of his life.

He told me I’m an amazing person and that I make him complete.  OK, so I’m pretty much blushing hardcore right now, as my heart is racing from espresso and amorousness.  I just saw him for a bit, and my therapist/BFF Sara met him.  Her and my sponsor are skeptical, but they have my back regardless.  I have a feeling he really does want to change.  I learned that I can’t change people or try and control them.  So it’s up to him to prove himself, and live up to what he said in his letter.

OK, so I’m in love with Sam.  Ohmygod.  I’m going to take things slowly and see what he does.  But he’s been getting better with everyday.  That letter is the sweetest thing he’s ever done for me.  That is such a big deal because he never talks about his feelings.  I really do believe that we both love each other now.  Cross your fingers for us.

xoxo

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