Here (In Your Arms)

“Well you are the one, the one that lies close to me.
Whispers ‘Hello, I’ve missed you quite terribly.’
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly.
Now there’s no place else I could be but here in your arms.

- “Here (In Your Arms)” by Hellogoodbye

So, a lot has happened since I last blogged.  I met someone.  I went to a Rooney concert!  I went on vacation to Ohio and Skaneateles, New York.  I went to Cedar Point.  I worked 40 hours for two weeks in a row (I’m used to working, like, 5 or 20).  I turned 18 years old.  I bought my first sex toy.  I got turned onto Glee by my new boyfriend.  Overall, I think this might just be the best summer of my life.  I had seen Christopher in Starbucks before, but had always been too nervous to approach him.  Honestly, I thought he was closeted and too affluent for me.  I thought he’d think I was too young; I felt out of his league.  Anyhow, I asked someone his name and then proceeded to add him on Facebook.  I left a comment on his wall, mentioning that I had seen him at Starbucks several times, and that he dressed nicely.  He was modest and said he usually looks like a mess.  And then he told me to feel free to talk to him because he usually is there because he has nothing better to do.  So, after having a bad movie date with an ex from a long time ago, I just started venting to him.  I hadn’t slept the night before, so I was rambling a lot.  Also, I had previously purchased orange slices (the candy) and the newest Cosmopolitan, so we read it together.  Even though I was incessantly babbling, he seemed to like me.  We shared a bit of our personal lives and relationship history.  Our second date was at the movie theatre, and we saw Get Him to the Greek.  I spent the first half of the movie trying to discern whether he wanted me to hold his hand, which was inconspicuously dangling over the armrest.  I wanted to hold his hand but I didn’t want to misconstrue his body language.  Eventually, I grabbed his hand.  Then, later, I kissed him.  He kissed me back.  After the film concluded, he walked me to my car, and because it was after midnight, he told me Happy Birthday and gave me a birthday kiss.  I didn’t even realize it was my birthday, and he did.  It was so fucking cute I could have melted into a puddle right in that Shop-Ko parking lot, across from the movie theatre.

I asked him out on our third date, while we were watching Glee.  He’s really a nice guy; 20-years-old, a Special Education major at Western Illinois University, compassionate, intelligent, trendy, and we share a multitude of common interests.  I swear he’s the guy for whom I’ve been waiting.  I’m really glad I initiated the first conversation.  For once, I took control of my pathetic love life, and decided to give someone new a chance.  And I haven’t regretted it yet.  We’ve been dating for a bit more than a month, but we’ve already done so much together.  We go out for dinner a lot.  We go to movies.  We watch movies at one of our homes together.  We go to Starbucks together.  And we reciprocate.  We both enjoy paying for each other.  Sometimes he pays, sometimes I do.  I enjoy buying his coffee or green tea often.  I like taking care of someone who takes care of me, too.

My last serious boyfriend Sam, the one from last summer, the guy to whom I foolishly gave my virginity, just doesn’t seem to want to stay out of my life.  I texted him after I met Christopher, my boyfriend, not to try and incite jealousy or anything, because I know he got over me ages ago, but to let him know I’ve finally moved on.  I thought he would remember it was my birthday, when I texted him.  I even told him about the birthday kiss and all he said was congrats and that he sounded sweet.  I was indignant, abashed, and fed the fuck up. What an asshole, right?  So, after telling my father about it, I decided to text Sam a bitter text message, in which I gave him hell, or, as he might have said, chewed him out.  I said something along the likes of this:  ”Thanks for the happy birthday, asshole.  It’s nice to know you care so much.  I can’t believe how much I cared about you.  I did everything for you.  I put you up on a pedestal.  But now I’m starting to see you for who you really are: a self-medicating, community college dropout who used me for sex and whatever else.  I’m so done.  Fuck you, asshole.“

You think somebody would take a hint to something that spiteful.  Ever since I met Christopher, I seldom think of my ex-boyfriend.  It has helped irrefutably that he moved to some town two or so hours away with his boyfriend.  I don’t see him anywhere, obviously.  I don’t have to avoid certain places anymore.  Out of sight, out of mind.  But, just the other day, seemingly out of nowhere, I woke up while Christopher was still in bed, to text messages from a number not saved in my phone.  I had some informing me of severe weather alerts, but then I had two from Sam.  Ugh.  He sent something like this:  ”I’m really sorry for the way i treated u ryan.  I just heard our song and it made me realize that i did treat u bad.  and it just made we wish you could foregive me.  Ur an amazing person, and I would love to have u as a friend.  I’m sorry.  Text me back if u want.“

After a while of contemplating, I remembered I told myself I was done after my birthday.  I deleted the messages.  And hell, I should have been done with him a long time ago.  But now I finally am.  Because, honestly, he’s a fucking year late with his apology.  Sorry, but I honestly don’t give a fuck about you anymore.  I finally found someone better.  Someone who would wait months to have sex with me, because he, unlike any other guy I’ve met, puts me first.  He, Christopher, is actually standing next to me.  He is on break from work.  And he came by Starbucks.  He’s such a cutie in his Express shirt and nice pants.

So, I go to orientation for Roosevelt Monday, July 26th.  I move in August 26th!  My classes start August 30th.  I also found out that I will enter my freshman year with 9 credits.  I got credit for my AP LANG and AP PSYCH tests, for which my mother paid 80 bucks a pop.  Everything is going so well, and it’s a nice feeling.  I’ve never been better.

Posted in love, school, smoking | 6 Comments »

Shut Up and Let Me Go

Shut up and let me go, this hurts but I can’t show
For the last time you had me, now shut up and let me go
For fear of living in regret, I’ve changed from since when we first met

“Shut Up And Let Me Go” by The Ting Tings

So, there’s this problem I’ve come to accept.  I always defend plain bad people.  I try to protect them.  I try to make someone seem better than they actually are.  I see a heart in someone when it might not even be there.  This is a problem on which I am working arduously.  And, of course, yes, this is about my First–the shitty ex.  Sometimes I put off blogging for so long because I hate how much change happens between entries.  But, whatever.  This is my blog, and I’m going to write what I want.  I need to let it out.

The quitting smoking thing lasted four days–the patch helped a lot.  But on the fourth day I bought a carton of cigarettes.  I should’ve bought a pack.  I thought it would make me feel good, but it actually just made my heart start racing and I felt anxious.  Sam was the one who bought the cigarettes for me.  This was the first time I’d seen him since the beginning of September.  He looked scruffy, and I tried to convince myself he looked nasty, but, of course, he still made my heart race.  His boyfriend Kyle, with whom he got five days after I left him, was with him.  Basically, they ended up inviting me over for dinner.  So, Friday night, I went there after writing at Starbucks.

Their apartment building was a bit dilapidated, but it was nice at the same time.  Home-y, I guess.  I was anxious, but Sam fetched me, and led me upstairs.  Kyle was sitting on a couch and I sat down next to Sam.  Basically, we watched TV, ate what Sam cooked, and talked about everything and anything.  It was nice, actually.  At the same time, I felt insulted.  Kyle and I just bitched about Sam as he sat there laughing, and I realized it’s the same ol’ bullshit, and it made me laugh, because I’m not missing anything.  I was there for three hours, and left to go see Dear John with my friend Mackenzie.  I said ‘bye, thanks, etc, but on my drive home, I cried.  I realized it was too painful–as much as I like Kyle.

But he texted me asking if I wanted to have a threesome.  I was expecting that, so it wasn’t a shock.  I was flattered in a way, but I said no, that I couldn’t.  Sleeping with my First and his boyfriend sounds like a great way of moving on, right?  Kyle tried convincing me via text for two days, but I kept telling him sex is sacred to me.  I’m incapable of having meaningless sex, and I just don’t do it.  Sam is the only person I’ve screwed, and that was a major mistake.  I’ve been single since September and abstinent since July.  I made a pact with myself that the second guy is going to be worthy of it, because I want to make love.  I’m not a slut at all.

Anyhow, I haven’t mutually spoken with fuckface Samuel since I left Friday night.  I realized that I have to move the fuck on.  And it hurts to watch them.  I sent him a text bidding him goodbye, and he didn’t respond.  The plan is to never speak or talk to him again, and so far, it’s falling through.  Kyle called me two days ago, asking me about Sam’s controlling and manipulation.  We talked about how Sam treats all of his boyfriends like shit, but at the same time as if that person’s his soul mate.  He’s extremely jealous, and he self-medicates.  I told Kyle that was the last time I wanted to talk to him, and he agreed.  Later that night, I got a text from Sam saying “Thanks for breakin us up.” I simply deleted it.  They’re probably back together already, because that’s how Sam is.  He’s good at controlling.  That’s why he’s a police officer, after all.

I know, how could I make someone like that sound good?  My Dad, Mother, sponsor, friends, brothers, etc all hate him.  My father has hated him from the start, and he was so mad with me for having dinner with them.  But he cares about me and knows what’s best, so for once, I’m listening to him.  I need love from family members in times like these.

Though I know I can’t change the past, if I could, I would’ve never met Samuel.  He’s the biggest douchebag I’ve ever known.  No one has ever hurt me like he did.  No one has ever treated me so badly.  He used me for sex, money, food, and attention.  He didn’t love me, because you don’t treat people you love like shit.  And the more I think about it, maybe I didn’t love him.  At the time, after giving him my virginity, I swore I did, but I’ve been so naive.  I listened to all of his lies, believed he would change when his actions indicated otherwise.  And he replaced me within days, like I said he would.  He’s incapable of being alone; it’s pathetic.  I do not want to be friends with him.  Why would I?  He broke my heart and he never said sorry, and he doesn’t even care about me.  So fuck him.  Plus, I heard he was talking shit about me.  Telling someone how annoying I was.  And I’m sure he cheated on me.  I’ve heard several rumours, and at this point, nothing shitty he did to me would be a surprise.  He’s a fucking tool, and I never wanna see him again.

I’m still waiting to hear from Columbia.  I really wanna get my letter!  I can’t wait to move up there next fall.  I’m going to make it happen no matter what.  I envision myself falling in love, with someone good, for the first time.  Having someone who will wait a few months before getting in my pants.  Someone who treats me well, and someone who has life goals and intellect.  That’s the kind of boyfriend I need.  No more shitty, manipulative assholes.  It’d be nice to meet someone nice this summer–just to have a little romance, you know.  Only time will tell!

I’ve been going to the YMCA so much.  Today was the third day in a row I’ve gone.  Sometimes I go for two hours at maximum.  It makes me feel so amazing.  It’s a healthy way to alleviate rage, and I’m getting an amazing body in the process; I’ve also been eating much healthier.  Score for me!  School is all right; just ready for graduation!  I’ve been clean for almost 21 months!  So glad.  And another reservation, never date someone who self-medicates.  It puts my recovery in jeopardy.  I’ve been happy these days, and it’s great!

So glad I never have to see or look at my shitty ex’s face again!  Hope all is well with everyone.  Let me know some of your favourite songs right now!

Posted in exercise, love, school, smoking | 9 Comments »