“Well you are the one, the one that lies close to me.
Whispers ‘Hello, I’ve missed you quite terribly.’
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly.
Now there’s no place else I could be but here in your arms.

- “Here (In Your Arms)” by Hellogoodbye

So, a lot has happened since I last blogged.  I met someone.  I went to a Rooney concert!  I went on vacation to Ohio and Skaneateles, New York.  I went to Cedar Point.  I worked 40 hours for two weeks in a row (I’m used to working, like, 5 or 20).  I turned 18 years old.  I bought my first sex toy.  I got turned onto Glee by my new boyfriend.  Overall, I think this might just be the best summer of my life.  I had seen Christopher in Starbucks before, but had always been too nervous to approach him.  Honestly, I thought he was closeted and too affluent for me.  I thought he’d think I was too young; I felt out of his league.  Anyhow, I asked someone his name and then proceeded to add him on Facebook.  I left a comment on his wall, mentioning that I had seen him at Starbucks several times, and that he dressed nicely.  He was modest and said he usually looks like a mess.  And then he told me to feel free to talk to him because he usually is there because he has nothing better to do.  So, after having a bad movie date with an ex from a long time ago, I just started venting to him.  I hadn’t slept the night before, so I was rambling a lot.  Also, I had previously purchased orange slices (the candy) and the newest Cosmopolitan, so we read it together.  Even though I was incessantly babbling, he seemed to like me.  We shared a bit of our personal lives and relationship history.  Our second date was at the movie theatre, and we saw Get Him to the Greek.  I spent the first half of the movie trying to discern whether he wanted me to hold his hand, which was inconspicuously dangling over the armrest.  I wanted to hold his hand but I didn’t want to misconstrue his body language.  Eventually, I grabbed his hand.  Then, later, I kissed him.  He kissed me back.  After the film concluded, he walked me to my car, and because it was after midnight, he told me Happy Birthday and gave me a birthday kiss.  I didn’t even realize it was my birthday, and he did.  It was so fucking cute I could have melted into a puddle right in that Shop-Ko parking lot, across from the movie theatre.

I asked him out on our third date, while we were watching Glee.  He’s really a nice guy; 20-years-old, a Special Education major at Western Illinois University, compassionate, intelligent, trendy, and we share a multitude of common interests.  I swear he’s the guy for whom I’ve been waiting.  I’m really glad I initiated the first conversation.  For once, I took control of my pathetic love life, and decided to give someone new a chance.  And I haven’t regretted it yet.  We’ve been dating for a bit more than a month, but we’ve already done so much together.  We go out for dinner a lot.  We go to movies.  We watch movies at one of our homes together.  We go to Starbucks together.  And we reciprocate.  We both enjoy paying for each other.  Sometimes he pays, sometimes I do.  I enjoy buying his coffee or green tea often.  I like taking care of someone who takes care of me, too.

My last serious boyfriend Sam, the one from last summer, the guy to whom I foolishly gave my virginity, just doesn’t seem to want to stay out of my life.  I texted him after I met Christopher, my boyfriend, not to try and incite jealousy or anything, because I know he got over me ages ago, but to let him know I’ve finally moved on.  I thought he would remember it was my birthday, when I texted him.  I even told him about the birthday kiss and all he said was congrats and that he sounded sweet.  I was indignant, abashed, and fed the fuck up. What an asshole, right?  So, after telling my father about it, I decided to text Sam a bitter text message, in which I gave him hell, or, as he might have said, chewed him out.  I said something along the likes of this:  ”Thanks for the happy birthday, asshole.  It’s nice to know you care so much.  I can’t believe how much I cared about you.  I did everything for you.  I put you up on a pedestal.  But now I’m starting to see you for who you really are: a self-medicating, community college dropout who used me for sex and whatever else.  I’m so done.  Fuck you, asshole.“

You think somebody would take a hint to something that spiteful.  Ever since I met Christopher, I seldom think of my ex-boyfriend.  It has helped irrefutably that he moved to some town two or so hours away with his boyfriend.  I don’t see him anywhere, obviously.  I don’t have to avoid certain places anymore.  Out of sight, out of mind.  But, just the other day, seemingly out of nowhere, I woke up while Christopher was still in bed, to text messages from a number not saved in my phone.  I had some informing me of severe weather alerts, but then I had two from Sam.  Ugh.  He sent something like this:  ”I’m really sorry for the way i treated u ryan.  I just heard our song and it made me realize that i did treat u bad.  and it just made we wish you could foregive me.  Ur an amazing person, and I would love to have u as a friend.  I’m sorry.  Text me back if u want.“

After a while of contemplating, I remembered I told myself I was done after my birthday.  I deleted the messages.  And hell, I should have been done with him a long time ago.  But now I finally am.  Because, honestly, he’s a fucking year late with his apology.  Sorry, but I honestly don’t give a fuck about you anymore.  I finally found someone better.  Someone who would wait months to have sex with me, because he, unlike any other guy I’ve met, puts me first.  He, Christopher, is actually standing next to me.  He is on break from work.  And he came by Starbucks.  He’s such a cutie in his Express shirt and nice pants.

So, I go to orientation for Roosevelt Monday, July 26th.  I move in August 26th!  My classes start August 30th.  I also found out that I will enter my freshman year with 9 credits.  I got credit for my AP LANG and AP PSYCH tests, for which my mother paid 80 bucks a pop.  Everything is going so well, and it’s a nice feeling.  I’ve never been better.

]]> http://ryanholden.org/wp/hereinyourarms/feed/ http://ryanholden.org/wp/theendsnotnear/ http://ryanholden.org/wp/theendsnotnear/#comments Sat, 29 May 2010 05:41:52 +0000 Ryan http://ryanholden.org/wp/?p=408

The end’s not near
It’s here
Hallelujah
Spread the cheer
And watch the millenarians
Throw a party for a thousand years

- “The End’s Not Near” by Band of Horses

So much has happened since I last blogged!  I graduated high school, broke up with Alex, quit smoking twice, and became a vegan again, all amongst other things.  To start, I just had my high school graduation five hours ago or so.  I was dreading it a bit, not really sure how I was feeling about everything.  But, when it was all happening, when we were walking onto this massive football field, hundreds of loved ones, teachers, and others screaming and clapping, I had the realization that I was happy about all of it.  Several students gave speeches, and in each of them I got choked up.  Though my animosity for the majority of my schoolmates remains, I felt so very connected with everyone there.  People were nice to each other, and everything just felt infinite and amiable.  For once, there was no drama.  Everyone was friendly, smiling, and talking to one another.  It was a great rite of passage.

On May 27th, 2008, I was checking into rehab with a 1.8 GPA, an unstable family life, and a serious addiction to Dextromethorphan (DXM).  Two years later, May 27th, 2010, I was still clean from drugs/alcohol, and graduating with a 3.4 GPA.  I never thought I could come so very far in my recovery.  My mother took me out for a celebratory dinner at Panera Bread and I had a Mediterranean Veggie sandwich, apple, Black Bean soup, and iced green tea.  My mother also gave me a card and a $50 Starbucks card!  I was so surprised and so very happy!

For graduation, I got a MacBook Pro! I’m writing this blog on it, and I love it so very much.  I am very grateful, especially because I was so shocked that my parents actually bought it.  Of course, I also got a lot of money from relatives.  Another thing I got from my mother was an electric cigarette.  I had quit for ten days, and then I just gave up.  It was rough.  So, the plan is to smoke until the end of summer, and then start smoking an electric cigarette for Chicago.  I just know I have to quit when I feel I’m ready.

I am officially a student in the class of Roosevelt University 2010!  I am so excited.  Roosevelt is giving me around $28,000 for my first year, which I do not have to pay back.  It’s so incredible that I’m going there and living in Chicago and starting my dream of becoming a lucrative and happy author.  My move-in day is AUGUST 27th and the building in which I’ll be residing is the University Center Chicago. I’m literally counting down the days!

I’ve been getting back into writing my memoir, and I’m really close to finishing the first draft.  Now that school is out and I don’t have work as often, I spend a lot more time at Starbucks writing.  I’ve just gotten to the part where one of the clients in rehab overdoses, and it’s really emotional, and raw, which I think is good.  I’ve been doing well with everything, and it’s nice that everything is finally falling into place.

It’s the last summer of high school, of my adolescence, and I’m going to enjoy it:  plenty of coffee, writing, boys, swimming, sunshine, and happiness!  I’ll blog again soon, and I am looking forward to installing my new theme which is I Heart Huckabees.  I hope everyone is having a spectacular summer!

And I think of times we were together
As time went on, it seemed forever
But times have changed, now things are better
Someone had to pay the price

- Rooney

I got accepted to Columbia and Roosevelt (both in Chicago)!  I have been so excited for the past couple of weeks.  But also a bit ambivalent, as I now am faced with the unexpected ultimatum: Columbia or Roosevelt?  Though I am in love with Columbia, Roosevelt is a lot more prestigious.  Also, Roosevelt has already offered me a $28,000 scholarship toward my undergraduate years; $7,000 each of the four years.  So far, I have no scholarship offers from Columbia.  Within the next few weeks, I ought to receive my FAFSA report from both schools, which will tell me exactly how much financial aid will give me for either school.  When it comes down to my final decision, whichever school can offer me the more significant amount of money–because I want to take out as few loans as possible, obviously–is the one to which I will matriculate.  My father and I are going to go and visit Roosevelt within the next few weeks, so hopefully that’ll give me a better idea!  Either way, I have faith that I’ll end up wherever I’m meant to be!

High school is boring me, to be frank.  I feel so blasé, only going there four periods a day, and hardly socializing with anyone besides during class.  I spend the rest of my time exercising (ellipticals are my favourite), writing my memoir, reading leisurely (How Starbucks Saved My Life by Michael Gates Gill), occasionally watching TV, working, like, two days a week, and hanging out with Alex.  Alex is someone whom I’ve been seeing.  Though I wasn’t looking for a relationship, he seems different, so I decided it was time to stop punishing myself, and give someone new the chance to show me how a good boyfriend acts.  He’s already taken me out to eat thrice, the first two times paying for me.  I’m going to make up for it by taking him to a movie and/or buying him coffee.  Other good things about Alex are: he reads leisurely, he’s sixteen, he plays golf I have a thing for golfers he’s never smoked weed or cigarettes in his life, nor has he ever drunk alcohol.  I was his first boy kiss!  Basically, he compliments me.  He has manners.  We share common interests.  This is the first time I think I’ve found reciprocality within a relationship.  However, good things aside, I’m still leery (which I think is healthy, to an extent), because I still don’t know him all that well, and we’re taking things slowly.  I am going to learn from my past, not repeat it!

Did anyone see Remember Me?  I saw it with my father this past weekend, and I cried (albeit a few trickles)!  It is seriously one of my all-time favourites.  The ending was so brusque and unexpected!  But the acting was great, the characters are emphatic, and you can’t help but feel the teenage love in the film.  Plus, the protagonist, Robert Pattinson’s role, has a rather subversive humor and constantly makes misogynist remarks all for comedic relief, which helps balance the drama and take away a bit of the pangs from some of the lugubriously sad scenes.  I definitely recommend it to any fans of either Robert Pattinson or young love idylls.  I’m super stoked to see The Last Song.  Don’t make fun of me, but I’m almost sure it’ll make me cry, too!

I thought I’d share some of the songs to which I enjoy working out the most, just for the heck of it.  Feel free to share your workout playlist.

1. Irreplaceable by Beyonce
2. Stronger and The New Workout Plan by Kanye West
3. Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson
4. It Ends Tonight and Gives You Hell by The All-American Rejects
5. Ice by LIGHTS
6. Just Dance by Lady Gaga
7. My Black Dahlia by Hollywood Undead
8. When Did Your Heart Go Missing? by Rooney
9. Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional

We were made to be unbreakable
Love was all we knew…

- “Mistakes We Knew We Were Making” by Mae

So, it’s Thursday, 9:45 a.m.  I stayed home sick today.  I just watched an episode of The OC, Season Four.  I hadn’t watched an episode in a while, and whenever I do, I get so happy.  Anyhow, things are really good!  I now officially have a Starbucks Gold Card (it has my name on it!)  I’m one of our local Starbucks’s most valuable customers.  I know all of their names, and they all know mine.  Usually they ask me, “Hey, Ryan!  How’re you today?  Ready for your Venti Soy Caramel Macchiato?”  Haha.  Most kids spend their money on clothes or video games or booze.  I spend it on the occasional book, daily Starbucks pampering, and cigarettes.  I’m still working on quitting.

As for my exercise routine, I am doing well!  I go to the gym usually Monday-Friday, for anywhere from 1-2 hours!  It’s a great new hobby.  It makes me feel so much better.  And I love the results I’m seeing!  This’ll be the first summer I have the body I want!  I actually want to gain ten pounds, because I’m very thin–five foot eight and 130 pounds.  I want to be stockier albeit toned.  I’m getting there!  I love Special K and Raisin Bran, and they’re both really healthy choices.  I love life!

I’m still waiting to hear back from Columbia and Roosevelt, both in Chicago, Illinois, five hours away from this shitty town.  My letters should show up any day now!  I’m very anxious, but I’m sure I’ll get into at least one of them.  Hopefully Columbia, it’s seriously the perfect school for me.  I’ve always been one who does instead of says.  Like, I wanted to be a vegan, I did it, hxc-style, for three years.  I wanted to get clean, and I have been for two years in May!  When I want something, I go for it.  I don’t take “no” for an answer.  So, whether or not I get into Columbia, which I’m 95% sure I will, I’m going up to Chicago and getting either a B.F.A or M.F.A in Fiction Writing.  I’m working indefatigably on my memoir, 40,000+ words into it.  And I’m still revising my first two fiction novels.  I’m going to be a writer.  I’m going to make my dream a reality.

Currently, I am reading The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway (para school) and L.A. Candy by Lauren Conrad (para leisure).  I actually love LC from Laguna Beach and The Hills.  I think she’s such a great person, and so independent!  It’s not a prodigious novel or anything, but it’s your run-of-the-mill Gossip Girl-esque sort of story.  My NaNoWriMo novel is going to be paperback! I’ll get a free copy of it!  Which means I need to finish the revisions! Ah.

I work Saturday (12-7:30) and Wednesday (2:45-9:30), so that’s good!  I always love work when I’m actually working.  I always have a good time.  I have a great job, and I’m extremely grateful.  Tomorrow, The Crazies is coming out, and I might see the late show with my Mom!  She didn’t like Shutter Island, which I saw twice and loved, (mm-mm, Leonardo DiCaprio!) so hopefully she’ll at least enjoy this one!  I still have been meaning to see The Wolfman, Valentine’s Day, and The Lightning Thief.  Who knows!

I have some big ideas for this site!  I plan on making more graphics.  I also would like to add more movie reviews, and maybe even add book and music reviews!  Since I love writing so much, I thought I’d also write some advice articles–on relationships, addiction, friendship, love, success, acceptance, et al!  I would enjoy expanding my site and getting to know more of my visitors!  Let me know what you think of these ideas, and hope everyone is nothing short from amazing!  Remember, as the French philosopher René Descartes said, “Cogito, ergo sum!” which (roughly) means “I think, therefore I am!“  Happiness is way underrated!

Shut up and let me go, this hurts but I can’t show
For the last time you had me, now shut up and let me go
For fear of living in regret, I’ve changed from since when we first met

“Shut Up And Let Me Go” by The Ting Tings

So, there’s this problem I’ve come to accept.  I always defend plain bad people.  I try to protect them.  I try to make someone seem better than they actually are.  I see a heart in someone when it might not even be there.  This is a problem on which I am working arduously.  And, of course, yes, this is about my First–the shitty ex.  Sometimes I put off blogging for so long because I hate how much change happens between entries.  But, whatever.  This is my blog, and I’m going to write what I want.  I need to let it out.

The quitting smoking thing lasted four days–the patch helped a lot.  But on the fourth day I bought a carton of cigarettes.  I should’ve bought a pack.  I thought it would make me feel good, but it actually just made my heart start racing and I felt anxious.  Sam was the one who bought the cigarettes for me.  This was the first time I’d seen him since the beginning of September.  He looked scruffy, and I tried to convince myself he looked nasty, but, of course, he still made my heart race.  His boyfriend Kyle, with whom he got five days after I left him, was with him.  Basically, they ended up inviting me over for dinner.  So, Friday night, I went there after writing at Starbucks.

Their apartment building was a bit dilapidated, but it was nice at the same time.  Home-y, I guess.  I was anxious, but Sam fetched me, and led me upstairs.  Kyle was sitting on a couch and I sat down next to Sam.  Basically, we watched TV, ate what Sam cooked, and talked about everything and anything.  It was nice, actually.  At the same time, I felt insulted.  Kyle and I just bitched about Sam as he sat there laughing, and I realized it’s the same ol’ bullshit, and it made me laugh, because I’m not missing anything.  I was there for three hours, and left to go see Dear John with my friend Mackenzie.  I said ‘bye, thanks, etc, but on my drive home, I cried.  I realized it was too painful–as much as I like Kyle.

But he texted me asking if I wanted to have a threesome.  I was expecting that, so it wasn’t a shock.  I was flattered in a way, but I said no, that I couldn’t.  Sleeping with my First and his boyfriend sounds like a great way of moving on, right?  Kyle tried convincing me via text for two days, but I kept telling him sex is sacred to me.  I’m incapable of having meaningless sex, and I just don’t do it.  Sam is the only person I’ve screwed, and that was a major mistake.  I’ve been single since September and abstinent since July.  I made a pact with myself that the second guy is going to be worthy of it, because I want to make love.  I’m not a slut at all.

Anyhow, I haven’t mutually spoken with fuckface Samuel since I left Friday night.  I realized that I have to move the fuck on.  And it hurts to watch them.  I sent him a text bidding him goodbye, and he didn’t respond.  The plan is to never speak or talk to him again, and so far, it’s falling through.  Kyle called me two days ago, asking me about Sam’s controlling and manipulation.  We talked about how Sam treats all of his boyfriends like shit, but at the same time as if that person’s his soul mate.  He’s extremely jealous, and he self-medicates.  I told Kyle that was the last time I wanted to talk to him, and he agreed.  Later that night, I got a text from Sam saying “Thanks for breakin us up.” I simply deleted it.  They’re probably back together already, because that’s how Sam is.  He’s good at controlling.  That’s why he’s a police officer, after all.

I know, how could I make someone like that sound good?  My Dad, Mother, sponsor, friends, brothers, etc all hate him.  My father has hated him from the start, and he was so mad with me for having dinner with them.  But he cares about me and knows what’s best, so for once, I’m listening to him.  I need love from family members in times like these.

Though I know I can’t change the past, if I could, I would’ve never met Samuel.  He’s the biggest douchebag I’ve ever known.  No one has ever hurt me like he did.  No one has ever treated me so badly.  He used me for sex, money, food, and attention.  He didn’t love me, because you don’t treat people you love like shit.  And the more I think about it, maybe I didn’t love him.  At the time, after giving him my virginity, I swore I did, but I’ve been so naive.  I listened to all of his lies, believed he would change when his actions indicated otherwise.  And he replaced me within days, like I said he would.  He’s incapable of being alone; it’s pathetic.  I do not want to be friends with him.  Why would I?  He broke my heart and he never said sorry, and he doesn’t even care about me.  So fuck him.  Plus, I heard he was talking shit about me.  Telling someone how annoying I was.  And I’m sure he cheated on me.  I’ve heard several rumours, and at this point, nothing shitty he did to me would be a surprise.  He’s a fucking tool, and I never wanna see him again.

I’m still waiting to hear from Columbia.  I really wanna get my letter!  I can’t wait to move up there next fall.  I’m going to make it happen no matter what.  I envision myself falling in love, with someone good, for the first time.  Having someone who will wait a few months before getting in my pants.  Someone who treats me well, and someone who has life goals and intellect.  That’s the kind of boyfriend I need.  No more shitty, manipulative assholes.  It’d be nice to meet someone nice this summer–just to have a little romance, you know.  Only time will tell!

I’ve been going to the YMCA so much.  Today was the third day in a row I’ve gone.  Sometimes I go for two hours at maximum.  It makes me feel so amazing.  It’s a healthy way to alleviate rage, and I’m getting an amazing body in the process; I’ve also been eating much healthier.  Score for me!  School is all right; just ready for graduation!  I’ve been clean for almost 21 months!  So glad.  And another reservation, never date someone who self-medicates.  It puts my recovery in jeopardy.  I’ve been happy these days, and it’s great!

So glad I never have to see or look at my shitty ex’s face again!  Hope all is well with everyone.  Let me know some of your favourite songs right now!

“Sometimes you have to be apart from the ones you love, but that doesn’t mean you love them any less.  Sometimes, it even makes you love them more.”

- Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

So, it’s Friday night, and I’m at Starbucks, and I reckoned a new entry was overdue.  Things have been great!  School is amazing, ’cause I hardly study but my grades are superb; I do try on homework, essays, and projects, however.  But, with only AP Psychology, AP Language & Composition, and AP Spanish 4, I don’t have a lot of “filler” classes.  My other class is Office Worker during Gym class; basically I sit, read, talk with the other kids, or get on the computer; never have to dress out for gym in high school again!  I’m so amazed at how quickly graduation is coming; it’s on May 28th, one day after my two-years-clean!  I’m going to graduate with honours, too!  Could life get any fucking better?

I’ve been beasting out my rehab memoir (87 summer days spent in a treatment center), and I’m so happy with how it’s turning out.  I’m at about 27,000 words, but still have a lot to go!  Honestly, I think I could get it published, because, I mean, c’mon, how many gay guys go to rehab at fifteen, for a cough syrup addiction, and write a book about it?  Plus, it’s even more surprising that I’m still clean; no relapses, and statistically I should’ve relapsed within 90 days of being released.  I made friends at rehab, thought I fell in love, met strange people, met amazing people, and lost a great friend.  The story is powerful and captivating, and I think the introspection is perfect; the memoir is written in second-person, past tense narrative form, but I also insert raw journal entries, which really gives you an idea of how my summer in rehab was.  I write a minimum of 1,000 words a day, and it’s been a lot of fun; and hard work, too!  But writing is what I love, and what I do.

2010 has been amazing, and I’ve been changing myself.  I’ve been hitting the gym at least 4x weekly and making healthier choices; another healthy choice I’m considering is quitting smoking.  Cigarettes are so expensive in Chicago, so I might as well quit now!  Speaking of Chi-town, I’m waiting to hear back from Columbia.  I’m applying for scholarships, and trying to get federal aid stuff set up!  It’d be nice if my parents could just pay $40,000+ a year for college.  But, I want to become a novelist, and I know Columbia is my launching pad for a successful future!  The creative environment, the city, the professors, the apartments, the education; everything is so perfect!  I sort of wish I could skip ahead to next Fall and be blogging from my apartment at Columbia right now!

I’ve become an expert at letting go and accepting what is.  I know, who woulda thunk it?  I hated trying to control the outcomes of things which were totally out of my control; relationships, friendships, family bonds.  Anything and everything, I tried to control.  It was too much stress!  Focusing on others and not taking care of myself, but I no longer do that.  I’ve estranged myself from those whom have, and will continue to, hurt me.  I don’t need people like that!  I’m so happy these days, because life is so magical, and simple.  I treat every day as an opportunity, a gift!  Who knows what time might bring?  That’s the beauty of it, it’s a complete mystery.  I look forward to new friends, new lovers.  I’m going to meet someone amazing, whom I’ll sincerely love, and who will treat me well.  The future is looking mighty bright, friends.

P.S. Living in the past is like driving while staring in the rear-view mirror; eventually, you’re going to CRASH.

I’m pouring some whiskey right now
I’m going to get so, so drunk
That I pass out and forget your face
By the time I wake up…
- Bright Eyes

So, it’s so strange, succumbing to the realization that it is now 2010.  The past seven or so months flew by.  My first semester of senior year is over, and I go back to begin second semester on Tuesday, Jan. 5th.  I’m going to have a short schedule, so I’m really excited about that.  It’ll be: 2, AP Lang & Comp; 3, Spanish Cuatro; 4, P.E.; 5, AP Psych.  Yep.  I’ll be at school from 8-12.  Isn’t that exciting?  I won’t even have lunch.

The negative aspect of this shorter schedule is that it’ll make it just that much easier for me to become a recluse–something I’ve been becoming an expert at recently.  I hardly trust people anymore.  But, though many people disagree, I think it’s a good thing, that I finally have trust issues.  I’ve become less selfless and more selfish.  I put myself first, instead of letting people walk all over me.  I’ve taken control of my life.

I’ve been hanging out with my ex from the Spring, Jake.  We’re just hanging out, and he’s really nice.  I forgot that he was a good guy.  I told him that I once called Sam his name, and he told me he once randomly screamed “Ryan” during sex with his boyfriend at that time.  It was quite a riot, exchanging stories from the six or so months we didn’t speak.  He, our mutual friend Megan, and I are all going to see The Lovely Bones.  I’m the only one who read the book, because I’m the bookworm.  It should be fun.  I don’t think so, but I have a precarious notion that Jake has ulterior motives.  My ex Sam seems to think so, anyway.  I just know I have to be careful with whom I trust these days; people have to work for my trust.  I’m not making it easy for anyone.  Boys, strangers, or friends.

So, it’s been awhile since I talked about Sam.  It’s a long story how we started talking again, but we have.  We talked on the phone for about an hour a few nights back, and it was really nice.  Like I got a lot of things cleared up.  I asked him why it was so easy for him to move on, and to not call me, and he said, “I never said it was easy.”  That made me happy.  For a few months, I felt resentful and bitter.  I thought I was the only one who cared.  But I’ve finally come to realize that love doesn’t just work because two people care about and love each other.  Some things aren’t meant to be, and it soon becomes pointless to try and force a love to work when it isn’t meant to.  I’ve finally become OK with the fact that he and I will never be together again, that we are only friends, and that’s all we’ll ever be.  He does care about me, but we know we are both happier this way.  I miss him, sure, and he still is very handsome, and charming, but, we’re friends.  And it made me happy when he said that his new boyfriend can’t get mad at him for talking to me.  It’s nice that even though he’s moved on and is living with his new boyfriend, he still cares enough to make time for me, too.

Rob and I are no longer friends.  It’s my fault, really.  But I honestly don’t care…I think.  One reason I can’t be friends with him is because I ended up really liking him, and he still wanted to be my best friend because he’s “straight.“  I don’t believe that, but it’s neither my problem nor business, and I refuse to be romantically involved or close friends with someone whom I believe is closeted.  I really can’t stand it, because I’ve been out since eighth grade.  I told him, via text, after he uncharacteristically was a douchebag, telling me to get to the point, “I can’t be friends with you anymore.  Blatant enough?”  That was on Christmas night, the last time we talked.  I don’t like to think about him much, so I deleted his number from my phone and deleted him and the mutual friend Matt off of Facebook.  That’s how I do things; it’s the only way I can do this.

Christmas was great!  I got a lot of things I wanted, a Samsung Impression, books, The Office Season 4, movies, books, Starbucks card(s), money, clothes, and a stereo system for my car.  I’m extremely grateful.  I spent New Years’ Eve doing this: 6-10, reading Dry. by Augusten Burroughs, and writing my rehab memoir at Starbucks; 10-11:30, at a party for my fellowship; and 12-2 watching The OC.  No, I didn’t even watch the ball drop.  It would’ve made me wish I had somebody to kiss.  I hope you all had great holidays!  I’m definitely not looking forward to Valentine’s Day.

As for my habit of isolating myself, I know it’s bad, but I honestly hate this town.  40,000 people and there’s honestly nobody here for me.  That’s why I’m going to Chicago in the fall.  Hopefully I can leave this place behind me; start a new life in the city, and never look back.  I believe I will meet someone special at Columbia, even if he’s not my soulmate.  I can’t wait to graduate high school, and move out of this town, and start my life and career in Chicago.  It’s coming so fast, it’s brilliant.

♫ Listening to “I Woke Up In A Car” by Something Corporate ♫

It’s been almost a month since I last blogged.  I apologize for this.  Also, for the lack of updates.  However, I’ve been working on some new concepts (patterns, textures, brushes) in Photoshop, so I will have those up some time soon!  Life is great today.  Life has been great for, like, the past two months.  It’s pretty strange, pretty awesome.  I’m not used to being happy just because.  Sometimes I backslide, but I try to appreciate the little things and look at the world in a different light.  It’s been helping a lot.

I’ve been wicked busy with school–well, sort of.  I mean, I’ve had a ton of assignments, tests, studying, but I haven’t really been doing it.  I have, but I haven’t.  I’ve suddenly developed a social life in the past two months, and it’s just so much more fun that being alone at home every day, studying.  I befriended an acquaintance, Rob, who is in my Sociology class and is the Entertainment Editor for our school paper.  He’s very nice.  We’ve been hanging out a lot.  I used to never hang out during the school week.  We go to movies, Starbucks, walks at a park, and do basically anything together.  He’s the first real friend–my age, anyhow–that I’ve had this whole school year!  I forgot how nice it is to have a good best friend.

Friday I worked three-eleven pm.  It wasn’t that bad, actually.  I had a lot of fun with co-workers and it was busy on and off, which always is good; to have distractions, something to pass time.  Saturday, I got up at seven-thirty (I know, right?) and at one I met Rob, Matt (Rob’s friend, who I reckon is now mine, too), and Amanda (Matt’s crush and girl from homeroom) at ShopKo.  We wanted to escape from our mundane town for a day, so we took off for Springfield.  The car ride was fun; good vibes, lots of laughs, and all.  When we got there we ate Taco Bell, and then hurried into the movie theatre to see A Perfect Man:

The movie is about a Jewish husband and father of two children, whose life is brusquely disrupted when his wife asks for a divorce, and an oriental student of Larry’s Physics class goes to extreme measures to get the grade he desires.  With its dark humor, explicit profanity, and quirky characters, this movie is seriously now one of my favourites.  Everyone else liked it and laughed a lot.  It was a limited release movie that came out three months ago, by the way.  I might ask for it for Christmas.

After the movie, we went window shopping at the White Oaks Mall, which was nice, albeit depressing to realize my lack of bread.  We went to Barnes & Noble after the mall, and I purchased Dry. by Augusten Burroughs.  The car ride back was a lot of fun, too, and it was nice, dark and all, the highway lights vivid.  I felt good, I felt important; a part of something more than myself.  For the first time in awhile, I feel like I actually have friends.  It’s an amazing feeling, I’ll tell you.

Finals are this week:  Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.  Then it is the end of our semester!  Winter break is in a few days!  We get out the 18th and don’t return to school until January 5th.  I’m so excited for break, to work more, sans homework to peeve me out whilst I am toiling at work (haha, just kidding) for eight-hour shifts; hang out more with Rob, and probably Matt and Amanda; to go for another “roadtrip” to Springfield; to be able to sleep in; basically, freedom!  But once all of the fun is over and school resumes, I’m going to try harder, and prioritize.  I’m not okay with B’s and C’s, though it’s a bit different with AP courses.  Either way.

Let me know what you guys are doing for your winter breaks! I hope everyone has a Merry Chrismukkah! Happy Holidays!

Wow.  I have a lot to blog about.  I hope I can concise as much as possible.  Basically, life has been busy for me.  Columbia was amazing, to say the least.  The open house drew a crowd of over 8,000 people!  The theatre in which they made their introduction is one of the finest in the country.  The school is the school I never thought existed.  I want to be a writer, and I see myself prospering so much there.  Plus, I love the city life, and I know I will do anything to get there.  Hopefully I will be living in Chicago and going to Columbia next fall!

Work has been hectic, but oddly fun.  I worked three nights in a row this week: (Wednesday: 5-9:30, Thursday 3-10, and Friday 3-12.  I was supposed to work Saturday morning at eleven fifteen, but I got someone else to cover for me.  I got a haircut this morning and I haven’t had it this short in ages!  I like it, and I hope other people will (at school), too.

I’m going to have to tell my bosses that I can only work a maximum of ten hours per week, because I can’t juggle everything anymore.  I don’t even have time to work on my recovery, and I don’t wanna relapse ever; on November 27th I will have been clean from alcohol/drugs for a year and a half.

I’m excited for New Moon.  I work this Thursday 2:45-9:45, and we are going to be showing Twilight at 9, for all of the crazy fans who will be waiting outside.  And people have to pay for both movies, and the crazy thing is most of them will.  I’m not sure whether or not I wanna go to the midnight showing, because of the fact that I have school on Friday.  I need to figure out soon and buy a ticket.  We’ve already sold out four theatres, and are working on getting a fifth copy of the film.

I went to a meeting with my sponsor, and I was really glad I did.  My older brother, who goes to Illinois State, came home for my younger brother’s play West Side Story, and so did his girlfriend Cassie, whom I love very much.  My mother, older brother, and I went and saw Men Who Stare At Goats.  Ewan McGregor and George Clooney are both very sexy.  It was hilarious, as well.

Tomorrow, I have to work on my novel, which I’m slacking on hardcore, go to the musical, and then complete an essay, math homework, and a ton of psychology reading.  Anyhow, life is great, and I hope to find more time, hopefully after NaNoWriMo is over, to make more graphics.

Michael has called three times since I last blogged.  Last weekend and then today.  He left a voice mail and summarized who he was, and told me to give him a call.  I’m not sure if I ought to.  But, hey, I might as well see what happens, right?

And I’m sorry that it shows, but life ain’t so bad, you know.
“Skies So Blue” by The Rocket Summer

So, I’ve been having a good life lately.  As for that shitty ex-boyfriend of mine, I found out that he cheated on me twice, with two people.  Even though he swore he never did when I asked him about it.  Well, he already has another boyfriend, because he’s pathetic and can’t be alone.  I, however, am fine being alone, and do not want a rebound.  I am better off now than I’ve been since before I met him!

If I could, I would take it all back.  I would not have given my virginity to such a shitty, awful person who only used me for sex and anything else he wanted.  I haven’t talked to him in over a month, and haven’t seen him in almost two.  And that’s a good thing.  I’d be happier if I never saw him again.

Right now, I’m at Starbucks.  I’m doing NaNoWriMo this year, and I’m having so much fun so far!  I’m getting ready to go to Columbia up in Chicago.  I’m so excited to take the train, to stay overnight in a hotel, and to go to the campus tomorrow morning!

I just met a boy named Michael.  He is the same age as I am, and he’s been clean (from drugs and alcohol) for a year and three months.  He asked for my number, and two cigarettes, and we had a chat.  He’s really cool.  I gave him a ride back to his house, and he wants to hang out.  I’m not sure if he knows that I’m gay or not.  So, we’ll see how that all plays out…

I’ll let you know how my trip to Chicago goes!  School is going well.  I’m getting amazing grades, and I’m loving it.  I study and do a lot of work, so I’ve earned it.  Life is so good these days, it’s strange.  I hardly think of him anymore, and I don’t really cry much anymore.  I’m so happy, I have butterflies.

And I want these words to make things right
But it’s the wrongs that make the words come to life
- “Thnks Fr Th Mmmrs” by Fall Out Boy

It’s a Monday, and I’m sitting at home.  I stayed home sick today.  Not only am I sick, but my car won’t start again.  It’s my fault.  I left my lights on while on break yesterday, because it was raining, and I didn’t realize I had left the headlights on.  I was super-pissed when I got off work to find my car dead, and it was pouring rain, and I was stressed beyond belief, and I wanted a fucking cigarette already.

Anyhow.  I had a good weekend.  Friday night I saw Paranormal Activity with two of my favourite co-workers, Kristen and Caitlin.  I really liked it.  But we actually watched it thinking it was all real.  I don’t wanna spoil it but by the end I realized it had to be fake.  I googled and found out more about it.  Saturday night I went to go see the movie again, because my friend Luke drove down here; he lives about an hour away.  It was a lot of fun, though he doesn’t like scary movies.  He jumped on me at the end, and I felt bad when I brusquely grunted, “personal space!”  But after the movie him and I just had a really good talk about things.  Pretty deep stuff.  We are able to confide in each other, and it really helps to have a friend who cares.

Stress is my number one problem these days, and I’m working on it.  I’m trying to do everything I do but like multiplied.  For example, study every day even when I don’t have a test for that subject.  I’m starting to read over my notes in Psych before I go to bed.  I have a test on physical development I’ll have to take tomorrow after school.  I really hope I do well.  I also have to make up a Spanish test that is allegedly a beast.  I’ve made flash cards and I reckon I’ll do well.

I’m going up to Columbia College Chicago Friday, November 6th, a day we don’t have school anyhow.  My father and I are taking the amtrak up there–it’s about a five hour trip via automobile.  We’re gonna stay in a hotel, then wake up Saturday morning and go to Columbia’s open house.  I’m so excited.  I’ll be in Chicago, and I can finally see if this dream school is within reach.  I honestly can’t wait ’til fall; to start college and to start my journey of novel-writing!

I’ve made a new layout, but I dunno if I’ll like it.  I’m gonna make the template for it, and if I liked it, it’ll be up.  I’m trying to make time for graphics, too, and it’s a lot of work.  But I also love making graphics as much as I do writing and studying.  The latter verb was facetious, so you know!

gone going gone…everything gone give a damn
gone be the birds when they dont want to sing
gone people
up awkward with their things….gone

“Gone Going Gone” by Black Eyed Peas (ft. Jack Johnson)

If there is one thing that I have learned in these past few months, it’s that you can’t ever follow anything but your heart.  For once, I’m doing just that.  I’ve learned you can’t stay with someone just because you think you love them.  You can’t with someone for whom you do everything and they give you absolutely nothing in return.  Don’t stay with someone who can’t ever say sorry–because they never are.  Don’t stay with someone who loves to manipulate and put you down.  Don’t stay with someone who only holds you down.

I don’t do the “just friends” thing when someone fucks me over.  I don’t do it when that person isn’t sorry.  If someone can’t admit they were wrong, and actually mean it, then it’s better to be alone than with a fake ass phony.  I read The Catcher In The Rye for AP Lang and I must say it is one of my all-time favourite novels now.  I fucking love Holden Caulfield.  I think he and I would be soulmates.

Anyways, school has been rather hectic.  All I do these days is homework and studying.  Hours each day.  And I still am getting a C in AP Psych and almost a B in AP Lang.  I am getting a B in Spanish 4–which is grade-weighted–so that is good.  I’m studying more, making (more) flash cards, reading thoroughly, taking notes, staying after school, retaking tests.  I’m doing everything I can to get the best possible grades I can get.  I am so excited for second semester.  I am only going to be at school from second hour till the end of fifth.  I’m just going to drop off sixth hour (lunch), seventh hour (Sociology), and eighth hour (Journalism).  This will allow me to focus more on my more important and rigorous courses:  AP Lang & Comp, AP Psych, Spanish 4, and Gym.  Haha.  I have to take one more semester in order to graduate.  I’ll graduate with 25 credits.  I will be graduating with honours.

I’m really excited for graduation.  I want to start my life.  I am pretty set on Columbia College Chicago, a private liberal arts school in the South Loop.  It’s my dream school and I’m working on making my dream come true.  It’s perfect.  I would get my Master of Fine Arts in Fiction Writing, and perhaps my Bachelor of Fine Arts in English Literature.  I want to teach at a high school until I can be a full-time novelist.  I want to live in New York City and also Los Angeles.  I know I have big dreams.  But I also have talent.  Writing is my gift.

Today, I have been clean for (500) Days!  Can you believe that?  Yep, not a drop of anything.  No marijuana, alcohol, duster, cough syrup, or pills.  Absolutely none of that shit.  I’m going to stay clean for the rest of my life.  I’m at Starbucks and I’m going to start making some visitor content.  Does anyone even use it?

I don’t know what I want
But I know in my heart it’s not you

- “I Caught Myself” by Paramore

So, I decided that it’s probably best that I don’t explain my situation.  I’m going to blog about other parts of my life, and I will return with the final story once I’m in a better state of mind.  I’m hurting, but I know that this is all for the best, and that I deserve so much more.

I went camping for a convention this past weekend, and it was a lot of fun.  The dance was really fun and I saw an old friend, Caroline.  I also met a cute guy, who had knocked up this girl that was there.  At least they think it was him who did the knocking.  I found out a lot about myself.  I’m sick of reacting because of my fear, anxiety, loneliness, anger, rage, depression.  Just because I feel so intensely doesn’t mean I need to do anything about it.  Sometimes doing nothing is better than doing what you (think) you really wanna do.

School is busy, and I’m exhausted.  This will also get better in time.  I should’ve dressed up for spirit week.  Wednesday was Toga Day for seniors.  And everyone looked awesome.  I regret not doing it.  And today was celebrity day.  I was graced with the presence of Ron Burgundy, Paris Hilton (and Tinkerbell), Pocahontas, Peter Pan and Wendy, Catwoman, Chuck Bass (my little brother), Lady Gaga, The White Ranger, and many more.  It’s a shame I didn’t join in on the fun.

Tomorrow is our homecoming game, and Saturday is the dance.  I’m not going to either.  I have to work Saturday and Sunday and I wouldn’t go anyway.  I do want to go to prom, though.  That’s something I shouldn’t miss.  Anyway, I’ve been super busy with school and work and my recovery, and I’m sorry about the lack of updates.  Hopefully I can make a comeback soon.  But yes, I’ve started the moving on process.  I’m just done caring.  I’ve done enough weeping and moping to last a lifetime.  I’m glad to know that I no longer have to waste time.

Thank God for freedom; even if it hurts.

Emergency above, put on your hard hats and invisible gloves
What’s going on?  I was on the wagon, I thought I was done.
You have to watch out, when one falls in the other can’t get out

- Nada Surf

Wow, so I have been so busy, it’s gonna be hard to concise everything.  School has been going well.  I’m in AP Lang, AP Psych, Sociology, FST (Functions, Statistics, Trigonometry), AP Spanish 4, and I’m on the school paper.  Senior year is going well.  I got a 100% on my AP Lang essay!  I wrote it like three times!  I love that class because I can use all of the words I like without sounding pretentious.

Anyhow, of course, the Sam drama has been pretty crazy.  I’ll try and shorten it; Tuesday he picked me up to go to Fall Creek (a hiking/recreation ground) and I didn’t know his friend Cella was with him.  I rode in the back and was pretty silent.  I was acting really bitchy and wasn’t speaking when we were walking down to the creek.  They took pictures and he was trying to be nice–he wanted me in the pictures, actually–and jokingly said he would throw me in.  I stood there.  Then I stepped on a snake and we freaked and went back to the car.  I told him suddenly, not looking at him, “I don’t wanna see you anymore, Sam.”  He asked why.  I was rather livid and said, “Hm.  Maybe because you didn’t say ‘thank you’ when I paid $12 for the movie food, nor did you say anything when I got all dressed up.”  He goes, “Uhhhh, first off, no one said you had to pay for anything.  That was your decision.”  Seriously?  So, I said, “Yeah, but it’s called fucking manners.  Did your parents not fucking teach you them?”  I repeated that I didn’t wanna see him or talk to him anymore, that I wanted him out of my life forever.  He yelled, “Good!  I don’t care anymore.”

So we rode the rest of the ten minutes back to my house with Kings Of Leon blaring.  I got out of his car and he drove off.  I was devastated from there on.  I was crying at school a bit.  I didn’t like what I had done, but I felt in my heart that it was for the best.  I was sick of trying to control the whole situation; I was ready to let go, no matter how much it hurt.  Finally, last night, Thursday night, he texted me, asking if he could bring something over.  I relented and said yes.  He came over an hour and a half later with his little puppy Honey.  Who is adorable, btw.

Anyway, I told him I was done lying to myself, and I asked why he was even there.  What did he really want?  I was done.  I had given up.  Too tired of pretending it was something more, something real, and I felt like I was the only one with feelings.  He told me about how he got like 8 hours of sleep in the past two nights; he usually gets like 12 hours per night.  And the only time he can’t sleep is when we are fighting.

He gave me a letter he wrote, but told me to wait to open it.  We talked and made up.  We kissed innocuously, and it made me melt.  I kissed him goodnight and headed inside, at one thirty a.m. on a school night.  P.S. I stayed home all day today and slept.  I won’t recount the entire letter, because Sam might be reading this (Hi, Sam!) but it was pretty amazing.  He has never said some of the things he said in this letter.  He told me all of the things he loves about me, he told me he wanted me next to him again, that he missed me so much, that he loves me and is truly sorry for everything.  He says he is finished smoking pot, and he is putting that on his nephew’s grave.  He told me he is done hiding me from his family.  He wants them to know me, and he wants them to see how happy he is with me.  He’s never proposed anything like this, so it’s a huge deal.  He even said he’s gonna tell his older brother, who will be pissed, but will come around eventually.  He wants me to meet his parents and his sisters.  He wants me to be a part of his life.

He told me I’m an amazing person and that I make him complete.  OK, so I’m pretty much blushing hardcore right now, as my heart is racing from espresso and amorousness.  I just saw him for a bit, and my therapist/BFF Sara met him.  Her and my sponsor are skeptical, but they have my back regardless.  I have a feeling he really does want to change.  I learned that I can’t change people or try and control them.  So it’s up to him to prove himself, and live up to what he said in his letter.

OK, so I’m in love with Sam.  Ohmygod.  I’m going to take things slowly and see what he does.  But he’s been getting better with everyday.  That letter is the sweetest thing he’s ever done for me.  That is such a big deal because he never talks about his feelings.  I really do believe that we both love each other now.  Cross your fingers for us.

xoxo

Sometimes I think this cycle never ends
We slide from top to bottom then we turn and climb again
And it seems by the the time that I’ve figured what it’s worth
The squeaking of the steel against our skin has gotten worse

- Death Cab For Cutie

So, a lot of you probably will be frustrated with me, but I have to report the truth, regardless.  So, Sam and I have been doing OK.  We still have not been dating for almost five weeks now, since the last break-up, when he told me that we couldn’t be together until I could prove that I was truly happy with myself.

Friday, I went over to Sam’s house.  I was super psyched to see him, because I hadn’t seen him since the Sunday before.  Things were looking all right, and we lay in his bed.  We were home alone, and we started kissing, and it felt very nice.  He wanted to have sex (because we haven’t had sex since…sometime in mid-July) and actually I did, too, but we didn’t have a condom.  And that is something I refuse to do.  I’m not lowering my inhibitions just because I love him.  Then, when I said, “Besides, this is just a hook-up,” that is when the fighting started.  I was intent on ending it; I had been thinking about it for awhile.

I told him “Ya know, what am I supposed to think?”  We were arguing and I told him I was done, and said a lot of the usual things that I couldn’t deal with.  I was like, “You don’t even care about me,” and he says, “So glad you love to listen to what other people tell you.”  I told him: “Don’t ever fucking talk to me again.  Just leave me alone.”  He immediately grabbed my arm–not in an abusive demeanor, more so a please-don’t-let-that-be-the-last-thing-you-say-to-me–and I repeated myself.  He looked stung, and let go of me.  I walked down his stairs, and he said goodbye, and I just walked out.  He called me once I got home, and of course he convinced me to not give up on him.

So him and I had a talk last night, for two hours, in my car.  It ended well.  I kissed him goodnight, and I haven’t talked to him since.  He says that we “need to give this time.  It’d be better to wait and take it slow and it work out, than for us to rush it again and screw it up.”  I’m scared that maybe love is supposed to be this hard at times.  He says he needs time to feel comfortable showing his emotions; right now he said it’s “virtually” impossible.  He also doesn’t seem to have any plan to come out, and he also has had his cell phone disconnected since July 12th or so.  So I have to wait around for him.

It’s hard to not think about him at school.  I read a page of a textbook, reading about Wilhelm Wundt, and I realize I just saw “SAM SAM SAM SAM” written across the whole page.  I’m trying to stay light-hearted.  Be hopeful and positive, but also be cynical.  Expect the worst, pray for the best.  One reason I can’t let go is because I saw a shooting star the other night–my first one.  And it only took ten minutes.  I was so intent on seeing it.  I wished for Sam to fall in love with me, and for us to actually work out.  For him to show me that he cares.

I’ve been at Starbucks for like four hours.  I did some homework.  I’ve been talking with my older friends Cami (sex therapist) and Sara (therapist).  They are great listeners, and we all talk about our boy issues.  Plus they totally understand, and support me.  It’s nice to know.  I’ll keep you posted.  Sorry if I let anyone down.

What I mean is, all I need is just a little emotion
‘Cuz all I see is you not feeling, and you’re giving me nothing

So, it is 9 a.m. on Saturday morning.  I’ve been up for about a half hour or so.  Thursday night I only slept from one-five am, and I never went asleep again until 1 am last night.  I have hardly been eating, but I’m trying to start.  Times like these make me physically sick; I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, sometimes it feels as if I can’t even breathe.  So, until last night, I hadn’t communicated with Sam since Wednesday night, when he said some pretty shitty things to me.  Told me to give up because he can’t deal with my emotions.  It makes him uncomfortable.  I thought about it, and, you know, if he didn’t drown in his emotions in liqueur and cloud them in marijuana smoke, then maybe he would know what it’s like to feel the pain that I feel.

After he signed off, like an asshole, I deleted him from Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, cleared all of my texts and calls from my phone, even went on my Calendar and Notes applications on my iPod touch, and deleted anything he ever put on there (e.g. “1 month, I love you baby!!”, “I hate you.  Haha jk, I love you baby!”)  I had to sever all ties with him.  But, the most tantalizing of things is that when he stayed the night Monday, he left his Facebook logged on in Safari, on my iPod.  His first status was “can’t sleep,” which made me feel a little better, because he only can’t sleep when we have some problem.  But, then, his one from yesterday pissed me off!  “Working 5-9 at the KC.  Hopefully havin some fun after.”  The K of C is one of our fairs here.  I didn’t wanna go, but couldn’t even if I did, because I’m friggin’ grounded.

When I was in North Carolina, another time he broke up with me, we were chatting on MSN.  I forgot all about it until the other day, so of course I left it on, in hopes that he would log on.  Well, he did last night.  And he said, “you there?”  I didn’t respond, so he even sent me a text saying, “talk to me on MSN.  this is sam.”  I relented.  He didn’t even say anything, besides casual shit; telling me that he was getting drunk that night.  Oh, that’s awesome, I’ve been practically dying the past few days, and you’re just fine, and while I cry myself to sleep, you’re gonna be getting inebriated off your ass.  Sounds like a real great guy, huh?

He told me that I was being ridiculous and that I was “blowin’ shit out of context.”  Is he fucking serious?  These are my feelings, which he has never shown any regards to.  He doesn’t give a fuck about me.  I’m just a fucking game to the manipulative bastard.  So, anyway, I said a bunch of shit to him on MSN, from my Touch, whilst lying in bed around 1 last night, like “I can’t believe I wasted a whole summer on you.  I give up.  Everyone was right about you.”

I don’t have his house number, his cellphone is turned off, and I can’t contact him anymore online, by any means.  Which is a good thing.  I said, “why did you even talk to me again?  You’re just making this harder.”  So, he acted like the baby he is and said, “fine whatever bye.”  He always uses the fact that he is nineteen against me; hello, act like it, you fucking jerk!  So, I was really upset last night, and I cried myself to sleep.

This morning when I was going to have my cigarette, I realized I have only one more thing to do to rid him from my memory, one thing I’ve been holding onto.  (I reluctantly logged out of his Facebook this morning.  I don’t care to see about how he’s not hurting at all.)  I have a birthday card he gave me, the only sweet thing he did for me over the whole summer.  I couldn’t do it; I wanted to burn it.  But it was such a bittersweet feeling, and I tried not to cry, so I just slipped it inside of a book on my bookshelf, one that I won’t read.

It sucks, to be in love with Sam when he doesn’t give a fuck about me.  He tried to threaten me, when I told him I couldn’t be friends with him.  He goes, “Fine then we’ll never get back together.”  That hurt a lot.  But I don’t wanna get back with an asshole like him!  He is the poison that I refuse to keep drinking.  He just used and manipulated me, and I’m sick of it.  School is starting this Wednesday, and I hope this is over, before it causes any more heartbreak and pain than it already has.

At least now I know he’s not the right guy, and I am giving up.  The right guy would drive over at night, after we fought, say sorry.  The right guy would’ve called me last night.  He doesn’t even try to fight for me.  I’m not worth it to him.  Fuck him, seriously.  He won’t even have to move on, he’ll just fuck someone right away.  It’s gonna hurt, because he won’t even try to make me be in love with him again, but whatever.

Moving on begins today.

How could you be so Dr. Evil?
You bringin’ out a side of me that I don’ know

So, Sam and I have been broken up for over 3 weeks now!  It’s hard to believe that is factual, because we used to never last more than a few hours, with the exemption of my vacation mid-July.  I’ve been hurting a lot since the night he broke up with me.  I’ve been miserable to say the least, and I think that he’s been getting along just fine.  For him, I realized that he’s just been with me for these three weeks without any commitment, yet he gets everything he did when we were boyfriends.  E.g. sex, which hasn’t happened in over 3 weeks, intercourse; food; drinks; cigarettes; kissing; sleeping in my bed with me; cuddling.  On one particular evening when he was over here, when we got in a big fight, he left and I started sobbing.  Within five seconds he came back.  He pulled me onto his chest, and I was immediately relieved, feeling amorous.  But then he started to make out with me and rub all over me, when I had thought he just wanted to hold me.

I told him that I wasn’t going to have sex with him and he asked why.  I told him, “Because I don’t feel good.  Because we aren’t even dating.”  I was thinking, because if you can’t even date me why should I fuck you?  You know, he goes out every single night, stays out into the wee hours of the evening a lot, drinking and smoking pot.  This is hazardous to my recovery, because it gives me a feeling of being left out, and it makes me jealous that I cannot do those things anymore.  He said, “Well, then just get the fuck off of me.  You know, you don’t want me to have sex with other people, but then you won’t have sex with me.  I’ll just go fuck someone else.”  And I’m pretty sure that he meant it; serious as a heart attack.

So, yesterday, the 11th, was our would-be one month and as I was buying my mother a card for her birthday, I found a card that said “Love you” on the front and inside “It’s funny how two little words can describe what fills my whole heart,” or something similar.  I hadn’t planned on getting it, so I felt like it was spontaneous; perhaps fate had demanded it.  So, before he was going to come over, when he got in the shower, I went over to his house (which is 3 blocks away), placed the card under his windshield wiper, and bolted.  When he came over he acted as if nothing had happened.  He never said anything about the card.  I might as well have done nothing.  This really hurt my feelings, as he didn’t really seem to care.

He stayed the night Monday night/Tuesday morning, and we got in another one of our fights.  I called him a tyrannical narcissist and he got mad at me and said I was only calling him names to feel better about myself.  He doesn’t even care when I cry.  He’s so stolid, so stoic, and I’m sick of him only showing me anger, jealousy, and the occasional happiness.  It’s hard for me to get through days and it seems to be really easy for him.  The hardest thing is that I’m in love with him.  But he’s not in love with me.

My mother found Sam in my bed Tuesday morning, and he and I woke up around noon–we were up until five a.m. or so.  She had just told me last week that I was to never have him spending the night again.  I knew it was a bad idea, but I wanted to be with Sam.  He never really has done anything for me, though, now that I think about it.  I read this book he lent me, which I never do for anyone.  I gave him my virginity, money, sex, control of my emotions, food, drinks, and he couldn’t even fucking look at a book that I read, Codependent No More.  You know, I thought that maybe if he read around in it a little bit, he would see why I act the way I do, and that maybe things would work out.  But no, he is willing to work on anything to fix what is so very broken.  As he said a few nights ago, “What’s worth fighting for?”

I dropped him off yesterday at his house, and I haven’t talked to him since.  Exempting the one minute conversation on Facebook, where I told him Happy 2 Months, if you want it that way.  He then said, it cant b cuz were not datin.  Immediately I exited the window.  I was crushed.  I still am.  Last night I went to bed early, around midnight, and then when I woke up this morning around 9:30 a.m., I saw that he called last night around 2 a.m.  I am sad in a way that I was not awake.  I am aching to hear his voice, to be with him again.

But I am grounded now, because my mother was so very livid.  She was going ballistic, and it reminded me of the days when I used; we were always fighting back then, and since I’ve been clean, almost 15 months, I haven’t gotten in trouble.  The familiarity was unsettling.  School is starting a week from today, and my Mom said that I can only go to work, school, and my meetings.  Today I worked on my manuscript and worked in my Step Working Guide (where I answer questions related to addiction; more specifically, codependency.)  I watched three episodes of season two of The OC today.  Because it helps to take my mind off of things.

I made it ’til about 6 p.m. without crying, but my father and I spoke on the phone, and it was impossible not to cry.  Right now my throat is tight, my face is flushed red, my lungs are burning, my heart is empty.  This is the worst feeling.  But Sam doesn’t deserve me.  I deserve someone so much better.  I hate that I fell in love with someone who doesn’t give a shit about me.

He doesn’t consider my wants or my needs, or my schedule.  He wants whatever he wants whenever he wants it.  As a step-cousin said, it’s The Sam Show.  Everything has always been about him, and always will be.  I can’t allow myself to be involved with someone who not only treats me like shit, but someone who uses all of the time.  Plus, he won’t even go to the movies with me or anything!  Because he’s not out.  That hurts my feelings.  I got grounded for him!  I have defied my parents, my sponsor, my friends–everyone who knows what is best for me–all for him, yet he can’t do shit for me.  His parents already know; he has a friend who is gay, and they suspect it.  All he has to do is just admit it.  But it’s not my problem.  He doesn’t really want me anyway; he needs me for what I so inanely give him.

He never has given me a compliment.  Ever.  Never once has he said, “You look nice babe.”  He has never said, “Mm.  You smell good.”  OK, actually once.  But he never says I look hot, or pretty, or handsome.  I compliment him all the time, describing him as tall, dark, and handsome.  He must not really be attracted to me.

I may have to erase him from my life completely if I ever have hopes of moving on.  I can’t be involved with someone who is only holding me down.  Someone who won’t even fight for me, someone who doesn’t even care about me, or love me.

I think I’m gonna go cry.

It is about 11:40am, and I woke up at 10 this morning, but slept back in ’til eleven; I am still exhausted.  I’ll be optimistic and start with the good things first.  My quitting smoking feat is going quite well.  On Tuesday, I only had three cigarettes, and I usually smoke 10 or more a day.  I worked from 2-8 and I left my cigarettes at home–on purpose.  I have never gone to work without them.  I made it through my first break ever without a cigarette!  That is such an accomplishment for me!  I only had five yesterday, and I have one or two left in my current pack.  After that I have one pack left, and then I am done.  I have this book I’m reading that is giving me a lot of strength and motivation.

Last night my 21-year-old brother Kyle’s girlfriend Cassie was over here, and I love her.  She is pretty close with our family, and my Mom really loves her, too.  Anyhow, she got this new $17,000 car with like 80 miles on it!  It is blackbut I already forgot what kind of car it is!  Anyhow, she has OnStar in it.  The sales guy convinced her to buy 100 minutes for the phone in it, and she told me she wanted to use them.  So, inside her car we started trying to figure it out, talking to the robot, who at first said, “I’m sorry.  I don’t think I understood you.”  Cassie and I felt as if we were talking to a real person and we couldn’t quit laughing.  It is the coolest thing, because you just press this button, say “Dial”, then the number, digit by digit, and it shows up on the LCD screen, where the radio and stuff is.  We called my sponsor and we have no idea where the speaker is or the microphone, but he could hear us both perfectly.  It was the coolest thing.

Then Cassie began to wonder what number showed up when we called him, he told us this number, and she was like, “What?  Does my car have a phone number?!”  So I saved the number in my phone, then I called the number.  Sure enough, the radio turned off, and it started ringing.  She pressed the phone button and it answered the call.  We could hear ourselves echoing through my phone and then the speaker.  How cool is that?  Her car has its own phone number!  Sometime I’m going to call her, maybe today, and she can talk and drive at the same time!  This was just the coolest thing I’ve seen in a long time.

Last night I went to the YMCA.  I just had the urge to burn some energy.  I worked out for over an hour.  I used the elliptical, the treadmill, did sprints around the track, did an ab machine, worked on my glutes, and then did this hip abductor that targets the love handles.  It was the best rush I have had in so long!  All of my anger and my hurt was burnt out, and I was sweating so hard.  I felt pretty legit in my blue Underarmour and I listened to my iPod.  I listened to music that got me into it, feeling my body move and work so hard.  It was a great feeling, focusing on releasing my anger in a very healthy way.  I think I may even go back again tonight!  Because, surprisingly, I am not sore!  On the way home I was so happy, smiling and dancing so much I could’ve gotten in a car accident!

Anyway, last night I had this horrible dream.  I was in some tourist shoppe, I have no idea where, with Sam.  Anyway, he bought something, and was talking to these police officers; he practically is one.  Anyhow, for some reason I could hear him talking about me, I think he was calling me stupid or something, just being very hostile, and for some reason I dramatically stormed out of the shoppe screaming “I hate you!”  I heard some crashing noise from within the shoppe as I stormed away toward my car.  I remember almost crying, even though it was a dream.  When I woke up, it replayed and I felt awful.  I haven’t seen Sam since Monday night, when we got into a sort-of-kind-of fight.  Today is day three I haven’t seen him, excluding yesterday while I was getting gas, and he drove past me, smiling this inexplicably handsome smile.  He makes me melt.  I really do love him.  I just wish he loved me, too.

Please, just let me go, just let me go
And if it’s all over, just tell me so, just tell me so
Please, just let me go
And I won’t be your shadow anymore

So, today was rather eventful, if I may say so myself.  I couldn’t get to sleep last night until after two; I read myself to sleep.  I woke up around 10am, and got ready for work.  Work was good because I made it that way; I was determined to have a good day!  I worked from 11:45 til 4:45 and it went by rather quickly.  I came home, did some stuff around the house, edited my manuscript a bit, then went over to my Narcotics Anonymous sponsor’s house, where I talked with people and watched as everyone else played “warshers”–as they call it!

Then at 10pm, my sponsor, another member, and I went to the movie theatre to see Funny People. I got Chris and I in for free.  It was about two and a half hours long, and it was sort of plot-less, but it was overall a satisfying movie.  It was funny, it was somewhat sad, and even Sarah Silverman and Bo Burnham were in the movie!  To say the least, Seth Rogen is a total F.I.L.F. (look that up, and it’s not like DILF.)

My sponsor has been going through an extremely, inconceivably brusque time, and I was off of work, it was Friday, and we both needed to get out and enjoy the evening, and to allow our minds to be distracted from our self-defeating traps.

I finally got Wordpress to work on here, and I am very glad because Cutenews is a very poor blogging script.  It always deletes comments, and the coding is invalid.  Plus spammers clog my blogs!  Thanks to @tynicia for coding my layout in Wordpress!  I am going to see how much more I can get ahold of this thing, and I may possibly transfer my whole site onto Wordpress!

I do not work again until Tuesday!  I am glad, though I love my job.  I probably need to ask for more hours, though!  But I might see another movie on my days off; I saw Harry Potter, for the third time, Wednesday with a B.F.F. Mackenzie.  She really liked it.  I still cried when Dumbledore falls off of the tower!

So I have not seen Sam since Thursday around 3pm, nor have I heard from him.  He stayed the night Wednesday night, and acted all moody, because I wouldn’t have sex with him.  I honestly don’t even want to talk to him, because he treats me like shit.  He’s broken up with me four times!  And he uses me for food, cigarettes, sex, massages, drinks, etc.  I’m just here.  If he wants someone to use, that’s not my problem, but I will not be that person.  I will no longer be a victim nor will I feel sorry for him or boost his confidence by my obsequious “obsessiveness.”  I am the one that loves him.  But I know that he is going to hook up with someone ASAP, and I don’t even matter to him…and even if I do, not enough for him to really love me and treat me like I deserve!  At least now I know what I will and will not put up with for the next guy down the road.  Hopefully, whenever I meet him, he treats me way better than Sam has.  I love him, but I have to love myself more and stop letting him manipulate me.

I have three packs of cigarettes left, and I really wanna quit, but thinking about it–along with writing that stuff about Samuel–has my stomach all twisted up.  I wish I could, but I cannot get a patch or gum, and I cannot imagine working minimum wage without smoking cigarettes.

But, life is good!  I am starting my senior year, I have over 14 months clean, a great job, great family and friends, have written a 116,000 first draft for my fiction novel, and I fixed my wireless internet and figured out Wordpress integration.  Hooray for gratitude!

I wish that he would take me out sometime. The last time we went out and really did anything was on my birthday. I want that spark again. I feel love for him like I have never felt before. As I right this, my heart is missing. It’s like my chest has caved into an abyss of pain. The Great Beyond. I can’t breathe. I can’t speak. Sometimes I can’t even sleep.

The night he broke up with me, he automatically regretted it when he got home. But he said he was doing what he knew was best for me. He said he just wants me to be happy. He told me not to worry about him getting with anyone else, because I’m the only one he wants. He said there is no one else in this town he would even consider dating. He said I’m the first person he’s really wanted to be with in over two and a half years. Well, he came over that night. He spent the night. We didn’t fall asleep till around 5am. But it was perfect, because he pulled me close to his body, and wrapped his arms around me. And we fell asleep, together, in my bed. When I woke up next to him it was like everything was perfect. I felt so amazing, so full of love, so full of Sam’s love.

It’s official, I’m lovedrunk.