It’s Cool, We Can Still Be Friends
Published by Ryan on January 1st, 2010I’m pouring some whiskey right now
I’m going to get so, so drunk
That I pass out and forget your face
By the time I wake up…
- Bright Eyes
So, it’s so strange, succumbing to the realization that it is now 2010. The past seven or so months flew by. My first semester of senior year is over, and I go back to begin second semester on Tuesday, Jan. 5th. I’m going to have a short schedule, so I’m really excited about that. It’ll be: 2, AP Lang & Comp; 3, Spanish Cuatro; 4, P.E.; 5, AP Psych. Yep. I’ll be at school from 8-12. Isn’t that exciting? I won’t even have lunch.
The negative aspect of this shorter schedule is that it’ll make it just that much easier for me to become a recluse–something I’ve been becoming an expert at recently. I hardly trust people anymore. But, though many people disagree, I think it’s a good thing, that I finally have trust issues. I’ve become less selfless and more selfish. I put myself first, instead of letting people walk all over me. I’ve taken control of my life.
I’ve been hanging out with my ex from the Spring, Jake. We’re just hanging out, and he’s really nice. I forgot that he was a good guy. I told him that I once called Sam his name, and he told me he once randomly screamed “Ryan” during sex with his boyfriend at that time. It was quite a riot, exchanging stories from the six or so months we didn’t speak. He, our mutual friend Megan, and I are all going to see The Lovely Bones. I’m the only one who read the book, because I’m the bookworm. It should be fun. I don’t think so, but I have a precarious notion that Jake has ulterior motives. My ex Sam seems to think so, anyway. I just know I have to be careful with whom I trust these days; people have to work for my trust. I’m not making it easy for anyone. Boys, strangers, or friends.
So, it’s been awhile since I talked about Sam. It’s a long story how we started talking again, but we have. We talked on the phone for about an hour a few nights back, and it was really nice. Like I got a lot of things cleared up. I asked him why it was so easy for him to move on, and to not call me, and he said, “I never said it was easy.” That made me happy. For a few months, I felt resentful and bitter. I thought I was the only one who cared. But I’ve finally come to realize that love doesn’t just work because two people care about and love each other. Some things aren’t meant to be, and it soon becomes pointless to try and force a love to work when it isn’t meant to. I’ve finally become OK with the fact that he and I will never be together again, that we are only friends, and that’s all we’ll ever be. He does care about me, but we know we are both happier this way. I miss him, sure, and he still is very handsome, and charming, but, we’re friends. And it made me happy when he said that his new boyfriend can’t get mad at him for talking to me. It’s nice that even though he’s moved on and is living with his new boyfriend, he still cares enough to make time for me, too.
Rob and I are no longer friends. It’s my fault, really. But I honestly don’t care…I think. One reason I can’t be friends with him is because I ended up really liking him, and he still wanted to be my best friend because he’s “straight.“ I don’t believe that, but it’s neither my problem nor business, and I refuse to be romantically involved or close friends with someone whom I believe is closeted. I really can’t stand it, because I’ve been out since eighth grade. I told him, via text, after he uncharacteristically was a douchebag, telling me to get to the point, “I can’t be friends with you anymore. Blatant enough?” That was on Christmas night, the last time we talked. I don’t like to think about him much, so I deleted his number from my phone and deleted him and the mutual friend Matt off of Facebook. That’s how I do things; it’s the only way I can do this.
Christmas was great! I got a lot of things I wanted, a Samsung Impression, books, The Office Season 4, movies, books, Starbucks card(s), money, clothes, and a stereo system for my car. I’m extremely grateful. I spent New Years’ Eve doing this: 6-10, reading Dry. by Augusten Burroughs, and writing my rehab memoir at Starbucks; 10-11:30, at a party for my fellowship; and 12-2 watching The OC. No, I didn’t even watch the ball drop. It would’ve made me wish I had somebody to kiss. I hope you all had great holidays! I’m definitely not looking forward to Valentine’s Day.
As for my habit of isolating myself, I know it’s bad, but I honestly hate this town. 40,000 people and there’s honestly nobody here for me. That’s why I’m going to Chicago in the fall. Hopefully I can leave this place behind me; start a new life in the city, and never look back. I believe I will meet someone special at Columbia, even if he’s not my soulmate. I can’t wait to graduate high school, and move out of this town, and start my life and career in Chicago. It’s coming so fast, it’s brilliant.
im glad to hear you have made amends with one of your ex’s. its nice to have a friendship after a relationship, i believe it makes you closer as friends.
sometimes people just need to be alone, and i think its healthy. so dont worry about other people. theyre just morons.
im sorry to hear about your friend being in the closet. he should be proud to be himself.
btw. this layout is gorgeous! ^__^
I LOVE your layout!
It sounds like you had a really great Christmas! And AP Psych is a class I always wanted to take, but my school didn’t have it. I’m a psych major now though and I’m really enjoying it!
Yo dude!
That’s awesome that you’re going to Columbia. I live like twenty minutes from the city. Chicago is the best city, ain’t it? My brother went there and he loved it. Also, some of my friends are going there next year too.
ahh sorry it has taken me so long to reply! i wouldn’t mind link exchanging with you :]
its good to here that you’re becomign friends with your ex’s and making an effort to be friends :]
glad you had a good christmas too! :]
I admire you for willing to be friendly with your ex. My ex girlfriend and I text each other occasionally, but never enough to have an actual conversation face to face. I guess I just fear that as soon as I spend time with her, the feelings I have for her will come back.
Looks like you got some awesome gifts! I got a Starbucks card as well, I was pretty psyched about it. Haha.
It seems like you’re all set for your new start! 40 grand of people do sound like a lot, but sure finding your soul mate is not an easy job >_<
I don’t trust people a lot either, makes me obnoxious ~_~ It’s better if you keep your thoughts to yourself, I reckon.
And yeah, once you break up, there’s no turning back, even if you do, it’s just gonna be awkward and weird, you’ll find someone as good as Sam was
Good luck with school and everything!
I think it’s good that your focusing on the future! A new school, new town, new people. It’ll be good. College is a new start for people a lot of the time.
Hello Ryan <3
I see you had a good Christmas, so glad to hear that!
I must say, I love your layout, did I say that already? I can’t remember! lol, I have that kind of memory that you could call it “delete all files” memory. xD
I really want to see “The Lovely Bones” should I read the book first though?
It’s really hard to lose friends, breaks the hearts, but you are strong and you can get through this, such moments always show us who’s the true friend from the false one, so, good luck! <3
I can’t wait to graduate high school either ! I’m not excited for Valentine’s Day either, because I’ll most likely still be single. Hopefully things will go good with Jake
Oh hay boiiii.
Bonnie and Clyde was okay. Lots of nothing. It entertained me and all but it could have been better.
Thanks for the compliment on the layout<3
Thank youu
&”to borrow a lighter” yeahhh, right haha.
I think it sounds like he just wanted to see you, which is cute! Are you starting to like him again?
You’re amazing for featuring 500 Days Of Summer.
I don’t think you can not be friends with someone just because they are straight, the other way round that is homophobic. Whether you think he is closeted or not is really not an issue? Most people experiment and maybe the result of his experiment is that he likes girls. If he is a good guy, who you can have conversation with then shouldn’t his sexuality not stand in the way?