Published by Ryan on January 23rd, 2010
“Sometimes you have to be apart from the ones you love, but that doesn’t mean you love them any less. Sometimes, it even makes you love them more.”
- Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song
So, it’s Friday night, and I’m at Starbucks, and I reckoned a new entry was overdue. Things have been great! School is amazing, ’cause I hardly study but my grades are superb; I do try on homework, essays, and projects, however. But, with only AP Psychology, AP Language & Composition, and AP Spanish 4, I don’t have a lot of “filler” classes. My other class is Office Worker during Gym class; basically I sit, read, talk with the other kids, or get on the computer; never have to dress out for gym in high school again! I’m so amazed at how quickly graduation is coming; it’s on May 28th, one day after my two-years-clean! I’m going to graduate with honours, too! Could life get any fucking better?
I’ve been beasting out my rehab memoir (87 summer days spent in a treatment center), and I’m so happy with how it’s turning out. I’m at about 27,000 words, but still have a lot to go! Honestly, I think I could get it published, because, I mean, c’mon, how many gay guys go to rehab at fifteen, for a cough syrup addiction, and write a book about it? Plus, it’s even more surprising that I’m still clean; no relapses, and statistically I should’ve relapsed within 90 days of being released. I made friends at rehab, thought I fell in love, met strange people, met amazing people, and lost a great friend. The story is powerful and captivating, and I think the introspection is perfect; the memoir is written in second-person, past tense narrative form, but I also insert raw journal entries, which really gives you an idea of how my summer in rehab was. I write a minimum of 1,000 words a day, and it’s been a lot of fun; and hard work, too! But writing is what I love, and what I do.
2010 has been amazing, and I’ve been changing myself. I’ve been hitting the gym at least 4x weekly and making healthier choices; another healthy choice I’m considering is quitting smoking. Cigarettes are so expensive in Chicago, so I might as well quit now! Speaking of Chi-town, I’m waiting to hear back from Columbia. I’m applying for scholarships, and trying to get federal aid stuff set up! It’d be nice if my parents could just pay $40,000+ a year for college. But, I want to become a novelist, and I know Columbia is my launching pad for a successful future! The creative environment, the city, the professors, the apartments, the education; everything is so perfect! I sort of wish I could skip ahead to next Fall and be blogging from my apartment at Columbia right now!
I’ve become an expert at letting go and accepting what is. I know, who woulda thunk it? I hated trying to control the outcomes of things which were totally out of my control; relationships, friendships, family bonds. Anything and everything, I tried to control. It was too much stress! Focusing on others and not taking care of myself, but I no longer do that. I’ve estranged myself from those whom have, and will continue to, hurt me. I don’t need people like that! I’m so happy these days, because life is so magical, and simple. I treat every day as an opportunity, a gift! Who knows what time might bring? That’s the beauty of it, it’s a complete mystery. I look forward to new friends, new lovers. I’m going to meet someone amazing, whom I’ll sincerely love, and who will treat me well. The future is looking mighty bright, friends.
P.S. Living in the past is like driving while staring in the rear-view mirror; eventually, you’re going to CRASH.
Posted in exercise, love, school, smoking | 8 Comments »
Published by Ryan on January 1st, 2010
I’m pouring some whiskey right now
I’m going to get so, so drunk
That I pass out and forget your face
By the time I wake up…
- Bright Eyes
So, it’s so strange, succumbing to the realization that it is now 2010. The past seven or so months flew by. My first semester of senior year is over, and I go back to begin second semester on Tuesday, Jan. 5th. I’m going to have a short schedule, so I’m really excited about that. It’ll be: 2, AP Lang & Comp; 3, Spanish Cuatro; 4, P.E.; 5, AP Psych. Yep. I’ll be at school from 8-12. Isn’t that exciting? I won’t even have lunch.
The negative aspect of this shorter schedule is that it’ll make it just that much easier for me to become a recluse–something I’ve been becoming an expert at recently. I hardly trust people anymore. But, though many people disagree, I think it’s a good thing, that I finally have trust issues. I’ve become less selfless and more selfish. I put myself first, instead of letting people walk all over me. I’ve taken control of my life.
I’ve been hanging out with my ex from the Spring, Jake. We’re just hanging out, and he’s really nice. I forgot that he was a good guy. I told him that I once called Sam his name, and he told me he once randomly screamed “Ryan” during sex with his boyfriend at that time. It was quite a riot, exchanging stories from the six or so months we didn’t speak. He, our mutual friend Megan, and I are all going to see The Lovely Bones. I’m the only one who read the book, because I’m the bookworm. It should be fun. I don’t think so, but I have a precarious notion that Jake has ulterior motives. My ex Sam seems to think so, anyway. I just know I have to be careful with whom I trust these days; people have to work for my trust. I’m not making it easy for anyone. Boys, strangers, or friends.
So, it’s been awhile since I talked about Sam. It’s a long story how we started talking again, but we have. We talked on the phone for about an hour a few nights back, and it was really nice. Like I got a lot of things cleared up. I asked him why it was so easy for him to move on, and to not call me, and he said, “I never said it was easy.” That made me happy. For a few months, I felt resentful and bitter. I thought I was the only one who cared. But I’ve finally come to realize that love doesn’t just work because two people care about and love each other. Some things aren’t meant to be, and it soon becomes pointless to try and force a love to work when it isn’t meant to. I’ve finally become OK with the fact that he and I will never be together again, that we are only friends, and that’s all we’ll ever be. He does care about me, but we know we are both happier this way. I miss him, sure, and he still is very handsome, and charming, but, we’re friends. And it made me happy when he said that his new boyfriend can’t get mad at him for talking to me. It’s nice that even though he’s moved on and is living with his new boyfriend, he still cares enough to make time for me, too.
Rob and I are no longer friends. It’s my fault, really. But I honestly don’t care…I think. One reason I can’t be friends with him is because I ended up really liking him, and he still wanted to be my best friend because he’s “straight.“ I don’t believe that, but it’s neither my problem nor business, and I refuse to be romantically involved or close friends with someone whom I believe is closeted. I really can’t stand it, because I’ve been out since eighth grade. I told him, via text, after he uncharacteristically was a douchebag, telling me to get to the point, “I can’t be friends with you anymore. Blatant enough?” That was on Christmas night, the last time we talked. I don’t like to think about him much, so I deleted his number from my phone and deleted him and the mutual friend Matt off of Facebook. That’s how I do things; it’s the only way I can do this.
Christmas was great! I got a lot of things I wanted, a Samsung Impression, books, The Office Season 4, movies, books, Starbucks card(s), money, clothes, and a stereo system for my car. I’m extremely grateful. I spent New Years’ Eve doing this: 6-10, reading Dry. by Augusten Burroughs, and writing my rehab memoir at Starbucks; 10-11:30, at a party for my fellowship; and 12-2 watching The OC. No, I didn’t even watch the ball drop. It would’ve made me wish I had somebody to kiss. I hope you all had great holidays! I’m definitely not looking forward to Valentine’s Day.
As for my habit of isolating myself, I know it’s bad, but I honestly hate this town. 40,000 people and there’s honestly nobody here for me. That’s why I’m going to Chicago in the fall. Hopefully I can leave this place behind me; start a new life in the city, and never look back. I believe I will meet someone special at Columbia, even if he’s not my soulmate. I can’t wait to graduate high school, and move out of this town, and start my life and career in Chicago. It’s coming so fast, it’s brilliant.
Posted in love, school | 13 Comments »
