Shut Up and Let Me Go

Shut up and let me go, this hurts but I can’t show
For the last time you had me, now shut up and let me go
For fear of living in regret, I’ve changed from since when we first met

“Shut Up And Let Me Go” by The Ting Tings

So, there’s this problem I’ve come to accept.  I always defend plain bad people.  I try to protect them.  I try to make someone seem better than they actually are.  I see a heart in someone when it might not even be there.  This is a problem on which I am working arduously.  And, of course, yes, this is about my First–the shitty ex.  Sometimes I put off blogging for so long because I hate how much change happens between entries.  But, whatever.  This is my blog, and I’m going to write what I want.  I need to let it out.

The quitting smoking thing lasted four days–the patch helped a lot.  But on the fourth day I bought a carton of cigarettes.  I should’ve bought a pack.  I thought it would make me feel good, but it actually just made my heart start racing and I felt anxious.  Sam was the one who bought the cigarettes for me.  This was the first time I’d seen him since the beginning of September.  He looked scruffy, and I tried to convince myself he looked nasty, but, of course, he still made my heart race.  His boyfriend Kyle, with whom he got five days after I left him, was with him.  Basically, they ended up inviting me over for dinner.  So, Friday night, I went there after writing at Starbucks.

Their apartment building was a bit dilapidated, but it was nice at the same time.  Home-y, I guess.  I was anxious, but Sam fetched me, and led me upstairs.  Kyle was sitting on a couch and I sat down next to Sam.  Basically, we watched TV, ate what Sam cooked, and talked about everything and anything.  It was nice, actually.  At the same time, I felt insulted.  Kyle and I just bitched about Sam as he sat there laughing, and I realized it’s the same ol’ bullshit, and it made me laugh, because I’m not missing anything.  I was there for three hours, and left to go see Dear John with my friend Mackenzie.  I said ‘bye, thanks, etc, but on my drive home, I cried.  I realized it was too painful–as much as I like Kyle.

But he texted me asking if I wanted to have a threesome.  I was expecting that, so it wasn’t a shock.  I was flattered in a way, but I said no, that I couldn’t.  Sleeping with my First and his boyfriend sounds like a great way of moving on, right?  Kyle tried convincing me via text for two days, but I kept telling him sex is sacred to me.  I’m incapable of having meaningless sex, and I just don’t do it.  Sam is the only person I’ve screwed, and that was a major mistake.  I’ve been single since September and abstinent since July.  I made a pact with myself that the second guy is going to be worthy of it, because I want to make love.  I’m not a slut at all.

Anyhow, I haven’t mutually spoken with fuckface Samuel since I left Friday night.  I realized that I have to move the fuck on.  And it hurts to watch them.  I sent him a text bidding him goodbye, and he didn’t respond.  The plan is to never speak or talk to him again, and so far, it’s falling through.  Kyle called me two days ago, asking me about Sam’s controlling and manipulation.  We talked about how Sam treats all of his boyfriends like shit, but at the same time as if that person’s his soul mate.  He’s extremely jealous, and he self-medicates.  I told Kyle that was the last time I wanted to talk to him, and he agreed.  Later that night, I got a text from Sam saying “Thanks for breakin us up.” I simply deleted it.  They’re probably back together already, because that’s how Sam is.  He’s good at controlling.  That’s why he’s a police officer, after all.

I know, how could I make someone like that sound good?  My Dad, Mother, sponsor, friends, brothers, etc all hate him.  My father has hated him from the start, and he was so mad with me for having dinner with them.  But he cares about me and knows what’s best, so for once, I’m listening to him.  I need love from family members in times like these.

Though I know I can’t change the past, if I could, I would’ve never met Samuel.  He’s the biggest douchebag I’ve ever known.  No one has ever hurt me like he did.  No one has ever treated me so badly.  He used me for sex, money, food, and attention.  He didn’t love me, because you don’t treat people you love like shit.  And the more I think about it, maybe I didn’t love him.  At the time, after giving him my virginity, I swore I did, but I’ve been so naive.  I listened to all of his lies, believed he would change when his actions indicated otherwise.  And he replaced me within days, like I said he would.  He’s incapable of being alone; it’s pathetic.  I do not want to be friends with him.  Why would I?  He broke my heart and he never said sorry, and he doesn’t even care about me.  So fuck him.  Plus, I heard he was talking shit about me.  Telling someone how annoying I was.  And I’m sure he cheated on me.  I’ve heard several rumours, and at this point, nothing shitty he did to me would be a surprise.  He’s a fucking tool, and I never wanna see him again.

I’m still waiting to hear from Columbia.  I really wanna get my letter!  I can’t wait to move up there next fall.  I’m going to make it happen no matter what.  I envision myself falling in love, with someone good, for the first time.  Having someone who will wait a few months before getting in my pants.  Someone who treats me well, and someone who has life goals and intellect.  That’s the kind of boyfriend I need.  No more shitty, manipulative assholes.  It’d be nice to meet someone nice this summer–just to have a little romance, you know.  Only time will tell!

I’ve been going to the YMCA so much.  Today was the third day in a row I’ve gone.  Sometimes I go for two hours at maximum.  It makes me feel so amazing.  It’s a healthy way to alleviate rage, and I’m getting an amazing body in the process; I’ve also been eating much healthier.  Score for me!  School is all right; just ready for graduation!  I’ve been clean for almost 21 months!  So glad.  And another reservation, never date someone who self-medicates.  It puts my recovery in jeopardy.  I’ve been happy these days, and it’s great!

So glad I never have to see or look at my shitty ex’s face again!  Hope all is well with everyone.  Let me know some of your favourite songs right now!

Posted in exercise, love, school, smoking | 9 Comments »

Handle Me With Care

“Sometimes you have to be apart from the ones you love, but that doesn’t mean you love them any less.  Sometimes, it even makes you love them more.”

- Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

So, it’s Friday night, and I’m at Starbucks, and I reckoned a new entry was overdue.  Things have been great!  School is amazing, ’cause I hardly study but my grades are superb; I do try on homework, essays, and projects, however.  But, with only AP Psychology, AP Language & Composition, and AP Spanish 4, I don’t have a lot of “filler” classes.  My other class is Office Worker during Gym class; basically I sit, read, talk with the other kids, or get on the computer; never have to dress out for gym in high school again!  I’m so amazed at how quickly graduation is coming; it’s on May 28th, one day after my two-years-clean!  I’m going to graduate with honours, too!  Could life get any fucking better?

I’ve been beasting out my rehab memoir (87 summer days spent in a treatment center), and I’m so happy with how it’s turning out.  I’m at about 27,000 words, but still have a lot to go!  Honestly, I think I could get it published, because, I mean, c’mon, how many gay guys go to rehab at fifteen, for a cough syrup addiction, and write a book about it?  Plus, it’s even more surprising that I’m still clean; no relapses, and statistically I should’ve relapsed within 90 days of being released.  I made friends at rehab, thought I fell in love, met strange people, met amazing people, and lost a great friend.  The story is powerful and captivating, and I think the introspection is perfect; the memoir is written in second-person, past tense narrative form, but I also insert raw journal entries, which really gives you an idea of how my summer in rehab was.  I write a minimum of 1,000 words a day, and it’s been a lot of fun; and hard work, too!  But writing is what I love, and what I do.

2010 has been amazing, and I’ve been changing myself.  I’ve been hitting the gym at least 4x weekly and making healthier choices; another healthy choice I’m considering is quitting smoking.  Cigarettes are so expensive in Chicago, so I might as well quit now!  Speaking of Chi-town, I’m waiting to hear back from Columbia.  I’m applying for scholarships, and trying to get federal aid stuff set up!  It’d be nice if my parents could just pay $40,000+ a year for college.  But, I want to become a novelist, and I know Columbia is my launching pad for a successful future!  The creative environment, the city, the professors, the apartments, the education; everything is so perfect!  I sort of wish I could skip ahead to next Fall and be blogging from my apartment at Columbia right now!

I’ve become an expert at letting go and accepting what is.  I know, who woulda thunk it?  I hated trying to control the outcomes of things which were totally out of my control; relationships, friendships, family bonds.  Anything and everything, I tried to control.  It was too much stress!  Focusing on others and not taking care of myself, but I no longer do that.  I’ve estranged myself from those whom have, and will continue to, hurt me.  I don’t need people like that!  I’m so happy these days, because life is so magical, and simple.  I treat every day as an opportunity, a gift!  Who knows what time might bring?  That’s the beauty of it, it’s a complete mystery.  I look forward to new friends, new lovers.  I’m going to meet someone amazing, whom I’ll sincerely love, and who will treat me well.  The future is looking mighty bright, friends.

P.S. Living in the past is like driving while staring in the rear-view mirror; eventually, you’re going to CRASH.

Posted in exercise, love, school, smoking | 8 Comments »