Shut Up and Let Me Go

Shut up and let me go, this hurts but I can’t show
For the last time you had me, now shut up and let me go
For fear of living in regret, I’ve changed from since when we first met

“Shut Up And Let Me Go” by The Ting Tings

So, there’s this problem I’ve come to accept.  I always defend plain bad people.  I try to protect them.  I try to make someone seem better than they actually are.  I see a heart in someone when it might not even be there.  This is a problem on which I am working arduously.  And, of course, yes, this is about my First–the shitty ex.  Sometimes I put off blogging for so long because I hate how much change happens between entries.  But, whatever.  This is my blog, and I’m going to write what I want.  I need to let it out.

The quitting smoking thing lasted four days–the patch helped a lot.  But on the fourth day I bought a carton of cigarettes.  I should’ve bought a pack.  I thought it would make me feel good, but it actually just made my heart start racing and I felt anxious.  Sam was the one who bought the cigarettes for me.  This was the first time I’d seen him since the beginning of September.  He looked scruffy, and I tried to convince myself he looked nasty, but, of course, he still made my heart race.  His boyfriend Kyle, with whom he got five days after I left him, was with him.  Basically, they ended up inviting me over for dinner.  So, Friday night, I went there after writing at Starbucks.

Their apartment building was a bit dilapidated, but it was nice at the same time.  Home-y, I guess.  I was anxious, but Sam fetched me, and led me upstairs.  Kyle was sitting on a couch and I sat down next to Sam.  Basically, we watched TV, ate what Sam cooked, and talked about everything and anything.  It was nice, actually.  At the same time, I felt insulted.  Kyle and I just bitched about Sam as he sat there laughing, and I realized it’s the same ol’ bullshit, and it made me laugh, because I’m not missing anything.  I was there for three hours, and left to go see Dear John with my friend Mackenzie.  I said ‘bye, thanks, etc, but on my drive home, I cried.  I realized it was too painful–as much as I like Kyle.

But he texted me asking if I wanted to have a threesome.  I was expecting that, so it wasn’t a shock.  I was flattered in a way, but I said no, that I couldn’t.  Sleeping with my First and his boyfriend sounds like a great way of moving on, right?  Kyle tried convincing me via text for two days, but I kept telling him sex is sacred to me.  I’m incapable of having meaningless sex, and I just don’t do it.  Sam is the only person I’ve screwed, and that was a major mistake.  I’ve been single since September and abstinent since July.  I made a pact with myself that the second guy is going to be worthy of it, because I want to make love.  I’m not a slut at all.

Anyhow, I haven’t mutually spoken with fuckface Samuel since I left Friday night.  I realized that I have to move the fuck on.  And it hurts to watch them.  I sent him a text bidding him goodbye, and he didn’t respond.  The plan is to never speak or talk to him again, and so far, it’s falling through.  Kyle called me two days ago, asking me about Sam’s controlling and manipulation.  We talked about how Sam treats all of his boyfriends like shit, but at the same time as if that person’s his soul mate.  He’s extremely jealous, and he self-medicates.  I told Kyle that was the last time I wanted to talk to him, and he agreed.  Later that night, I got a text from Sam saying “Thanks for breakin us up.” I simply deleted it.  They’re probably back together already, because that’s how Sam is.  He’s good at controlling.  That’s why he’s a police officer, after all.

I know, how could I make someone like that sound good?  My Dad, Mother, sponsor, friends, brothers, etc all hate him.  My father has hated him from the start, and he was so mad with me for having dinner with them.  But he cares about me and knows what’s best, so for once, I’m listening to him.  I need love from family members in times like these.

Though I know I can’t change the past, if I could, I would’ve never met Samuel.  He’s the biggest douchebag I’ve ever known.  No one has ever hurt me like he did.  No one has ever treated me so badly.  He used me for sex, money, food, and attention.  He didn’t love me, because you don’t treat people you love like shit.  And the more I think about it, maybe I didn’t love him.  At the time, after giving him my virginity, I swore I did, but I’ve been so naive.  I listened to all of his lies, believed he would change when his actions indicated otherwise.  And he replaced me within days, like I said he would.  He’s incapable of being alone; it’s pathetic.  I do not want to be friends with him.  Why would I?  He broke my heart and he never said sorry, and he doesn’t even care about me.  So fuck him.  Plus, I heard he was talking shit about me.  Telling someone how annoying I was.  And I’m sure he cheated on me.  I’ve heard several rumours, and at this point, nothing shitty he did to me would be a surprise.  He’s a fucking tool, and I never wanna see him again.

I’m still waiting to hear from Columbia.  I really wanna get my letter!  I can’t wait to move up there next fall.  I’m going to make it happen no matter what.  I envision myself falling in love, with someone good, for the first time.  Having someone who will wait a few months before getting in my pants.  Someone who treats me well, and someone who has life goals and intellect.  That’s the kind of boyfriend I need.  No more shitty, manipulative assholes.  It’d be nice to meet someone nice this summer–just to have a little romance, you know.  Only time will tell!

I’ve been going to the YMCA so much.  Today was the third day in a row I’ve gone.  Sometimes I go for two hours at maximum.  It makes me feel so amazing.  It’s a healthy way to alleviate rage, and I’m getting an amazing body in the process; I’ve also been eating much healthier.  Score for me!  School is all right; just ready for graduation!  I’ve been clean for almost 21 months!  So glad.  And another reservation, never date someone who self-medicates.  It puts my recovery in jeopardy.  I’ve been happy these days, and it’s great!

So glad I never have to see or look at my shitty ex’s face again!  Hope all is well with everyone.  Let me know some of your favourite songs right now!

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